Baby blessings, whether for a child of mine, a family member's, a friend's, or a stranger's, fall into that first category. I am not a fan of the "spectacle" of blessing a baby in front of an entire congregation. The people sitting in that chapel may be a part of that child's life for that moment, but most will move on and few will remember the day.
I love that we bless babies, but absolutely prefer keeping it private, with only family and dear friends nearby. When my second daughter was ready to be born, and in the weeks that followed her birth, I tried everything in my power to have her blessed at home, with only family nearby. In order to appease one family member who couldn't make it at that time because of a church meeting she felt she couldn't miss, I gave in and agreed to have the blessing done in Sacrament meeting a few hours later so that she could attend.
It wasn't what I wanted.
For anyone who has ever had a birth plan get thrown out the window, it feels a little like that. Not as severe, but the disappoint and frustration, the feeling of helplessness . . . it's all still there, four years later.
With a baby blessing there is almost always a family gathering to go with it. Relatives fly from thousands of miles away to participate and support and since a long flight generally comes with a nice visit attached, this means family time.
Once upon a time I liked family time. My family, my husband's family . . . it didn't matter. I loved it.
This is no longer the case, but it is the thing that I hope gets easier with time and as I slowly heal from the losses I've had, both my children and my mother, in the coming years.
So that brings me to now . . . to 18 weeks pregnant.
For those who read my post last week, Jackson had quit growing by this point but we didn't know it yet. My anatomy scan is in 2 days and I'm terrified. It was Jackson's anatomy scan where the asymmetrical and almost non-existent growth was discovered.
I have every reason to be afraid given my past. Dash is kicking harder and more often and that should be reassuring but then I remind myself that Jackson's strongest kicks were just a day or so before he died.
To top it off, this weekend is the one we'd set aside to baptize our 8 year old daughter and to bless our son. My father and his wife live 3,000 miles away and they both work. Flying to Virginia multiple times in one summer just isn't an option for them, so we had decided to use this weekend, when flights were cheaper and when baptisms in our stake center are done, to celebrate our little family.
Baptisms are done here on the second Saturday of the month only, to keep the cost of filling the baptismal font down and to avoid scheduling conflicts, since there are 5 different wards that use our building for baptisms.
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| A Baptismal Font in an LDS Chapel |
When Jackson died, it became painfully obvious that we couldn't stick to that plan, with only half of the intended weekend ordinances happening. So we went with the very first "second Saturday" after our daughter turned 8: July 12th.
This weekend is going to be difficult for me. While I suspect Dash is growing well, I won't know until Thursday and if she isn't growing as she should, I'm in for a whopper of a painful weekend.
This weekend is now the baby blessing of my nephew. He and Jackson were due exactly a month apart; they were supposed to have grown up as best buddies. The nephew has a very large extended family and some of them are traveling pretty impressive distances to come and celebrate his life.
And I'm afraid if I go I'm going to be overcome with grief and start ugly crying. It's happened before. The most recent really ugly cry was Mother's Day. I haven't sobbed so hard I started puking since then, but this weekend will be filled with emotional triggers that I can't avoid, even if I'm home alone. I don't want to be a party pooper and just not show because of my pain, but I also don't want to ruin my nephew's special day if I can't keep it together.
There are a few plans in my mind, depending on just how strong I feel when I wake up Saturday and Sunday morning, but I won't know which one will be Plan A, B, and C until after Thursday.
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| Had a solid 10 minute quiet cry during naptime before snapping my weekly photo, so my nose is a little red. |
