Meds Magnify My Emotions

Tonight I completed my 7th dose of prometrium, 200 mg, taken vaginally.  I actually like the forced 30 minutes on my back every twelve hours because it gives me time to think and to shut out as much of the outside world as I can.

Sometimes I just sit and play Candy Crush, but tonight my mind wandered to things I've been trying hard to avoid thinking about.  It was during this wandering that I realized today was a bit of an anniversary.  Eighteen months ago today my mother passed away.

As I lay in my bed with a pill shoved up my wahoo I was overcome with anger.  I let it roll over me and felt the change from anger to a much preferred pain.  After a few minutes, I began to wonder just how much of my loss of emotional control was related to continuing grief over the death of my mother, my baby, and what little relationship I had with my dad, and how much of the outburst was related to the prometrium.

I believe, in this case, the prometrium magnified my pain. I wish I could say it was simple, but it certainly doesn't feel that way when I'm experiencing it.

Have you have side-effects from your fertility meds?

I Should Have Walked Out

One of the very real side effects of infertility is dealing with people who have large numbers of children.  I am a life-long member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, more commonly known as the Mormon church.

Within many religious cultures, large families are quite normal and the LDS church is no exception.  My own brother has 5 children and my sister has 5 and intends to have several more.

Today during Sacrament meeting (this would be the main meeting within the 3 hours of church we attend each week) a mother was asked to talk about families.

You see, within the LDS church, we don't have paid clergy.  All positions are filled by the members of the church.  The sermons are given by members of the congregation, frequently one or two speakers are between the ages of 12-18 years and the remaining 2-3 speakers are adults.

Normally, those who speak spend hours preparing their talk (sermon) and will have a couple of weeks' notice as well as a topic to address.  It was clear that today's first adult speaker was talking about families, which in and of itself shouldn't have been a problem for me.

Today that wasn't the case.  She started off with mentioning the names and ages of her 5 children and the entire rest of the talk was about her role as a mother and how hard, yet rewarding, motherhood is.

I am a mother, so why did this bother me?  I've asked myself this over and over and I can't come up with a solid answer.  All I can think is that I have some pent up jealousy.  I would love to have 5 children and I know I am strong enough emotionally and financially to support them.

The other part I think is that this mother clearly couldn't think about family dynamics that were different from hers.  Sitting in that congregation were families that had very different backgrounds.  Divorce, death of a father then subsequent remarriage of the mother, half-siblings, step-siblings, and a childless couple.  There may have been families there dealing with abuse, death of a child, or other situations that didn't model this speaker's Ideal.

I sat there listening and then as the pain set in as she gushed about how wonderful motherhood to five was, I tried my hardest to tune out her words.  I was unsuccessful.  I should have stood up and left the chapel rather than continuing to subject myself to what was tantamount to emotional torture.  Instead, I sat there trying to beat level 350 on Candy Crush and then trying to hold my three year old without crying.

My pain was obvious enough to my little girl that she started to cry.  Great heaping sobs wracked her little body while the rest of the congregation sang a hymn about families.  It took all my effort to comfort her and try to hush her when all I wanted to do was join in.

I should have left, but didn't.

That's a mistake I won't be making again.  I'd rather cry in a deserted classroom or on the front steps than try to keep the tears at bay while I sit there to be polite and subject my child to my pain.

From Primary Infertility to Secondary Infertility

As long as this may be, this is a *shortened* version of our fertility history.

My husband and I married in 2002 and about 10 months later, I went off the birth control pill I'd been taking (horrid mood swings!!) and we moved to occasional prevention but other means.  It only took about 6 months before we went from not-really-preventing to full fledged trying to conceive with basal body temping, checking my cervix, and my cervical mucus, etc. 

Month after month as my period arrived I began to think that we were going to need medical assistance to conceive.  We'd put so much of our life on hold "just in case" I got pregnant and it was starting to really affect me emotionally. Each time the red tide started rolling, so did the tears.

In September of 2005, after over 2 years of actively trying without success and without the financial means to seek medical help, we decided to stop putting our lives on hold. Enough was enough and there really was nothing more we could do.

We spent the "baby fund" on a new shed for the backyard and set the dates for a vacation with my parents to Tahiti for the following August.  Tickets were purchased and we were moving on with our lives; there was no going back.

You know how so many people say that if you relax, it'll happen?  That's kind of what happened, but not really.  We never stopped actively trying (who can??) but quit letting it affect our life planning. Three and a half weeks after we assembled the shed and 2 weeks after purchasing non-refundable tickets, I realized my period was late and there was a tiny faint negative on my pregnancy test.  I was shocked.  Floored.  Ecstatic. Scared. Terrified, actually.  And so terribly grateful I thought my heart would burst with gratitude.

In June 2006, our daughter arrived safe and sound.  

I'd beat infertility.  I wasn't sure why it had taken so long to get pregnant, but I was sure we'd not have to deal with infertility again.

I should have known better.  Without ever using any protection, it took us until July 2008 to get our next BFP.  The waiting was agonizing as each month my baby grew older and older and the gap between her and any siblings grew.  Everyone around me who had a baby around the same time I did had another one but there I was, with a continually empty womb and ache in my heart but an increasing level of gratitude for the daughter I did have.

My first post-partum pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 8 weeks or so.  There was a pregnancy sac and a clear strand of tissue that looked rather like an umbilical cord, but no baby.

I know now that my clotting disorder was likely the culprit but at the time I had no clue I even had a clotting disorder.

It took another 14 months before I *again* became pregnant.  Infertility is defined as the inability to get pregnant, and maintain pregnancy, after a year of unprotected sex.  It was well over a year between each of my pregnancies and in the end, my second daughter was born just over 4 years after her big sister.  My infertility was here to stay.

The age difference between them has not been as difficult as I had thought it would be.  They are the best of friends and it makes me heart swell with pride to listen to them talk to each other, teach each other, and to share.

Unless I get pregnant in the next 2 cycles, a third child will have a greater age gap than my first and second.  It is something that bothers me, even though I see how wonderful my daughters are together.

In the time I've been trying to conceive, a relative has given birth to 5 children, none of which were from a multiple birth, and she started trying almost two years after we did.  My husband always figured we'd have four children and I don't think we'll stop trying until that happens or I turn 45 or so, which ever comes first.

We are finally seeing a reproductive endocrinologist and have some answers.  The clotting disorder has been discovered so that we can help prevent miscarriages caused by that (I've had 4) and have a progesterone problem under control, too.

And, once the new year starts, so does our new insurance with IUI and IVF coverage.  We hope it doesn't come to that, but only time will tell!

Follicle Scan

During most monthly cycles where a doctor is prescribing medication, an ultrasound and blood work are done to verify that the medications are doing what they should.  The balance between "not enough" and "too much" is often very fine and over-stimulating the ovaries can cause some impressive problems.

Today I had my cycle day 11 follicle check.  The results were more positive than I was expecting!

Generally speaking, a follicle is considered mature when it reaches 18mm or larger.  For a timed-intercourse or intra-uterine insemination procedure, my reproductive endocrinologist looks for 1-4 follicles that are 18mm or larger.

On my last cycle, I had one follicle that had reached 18.3mm and a couple that were under 14mm.  This time my numbers were much more to my liking.  I had two follicles on my right side measuring 18.9mm and 16.7mm and two on my left that measured in at 17.7mm and 14.8mm.

Follicles grow at an average rate of 1-2mm per day.  It is possible that by the time I give myself my trigger injection that I could have 3 follicles in the mature range.  This would be triple the number from last month!!

A "trigger" in this sense is an injection of  synthetic hCG, the pregnancy hormone.  The hormone that tells my ovaries to kick out it's follicle (and thus, egg) is known as LH and it closely mimic hCG.  In otherwords, the injection tells my body to let those eggs go in the hopes of timing the sperm-egg tango as ideally as possible.

The blood work is testing several of my hormone levels, but in this case the key hormone they're checking for is my LH level.  How ready is my body to ovulate?

So for now I wait.  I'll either be triggering tonight or early tomorrow morning.  Only a call from the nurse with the results of my blood work will tell me which to do.

Secondary Infertility: An Unexpected Journey

By Crystal DelRossi

Infertility. This is something I never thought I would ever have to deal with. You see, I have two little girls. (They are 5 and 3) They were always wanted but they certainly were a surprise. I always have felt guilty for how easily I got pregnant with them. How I didn't have to try. It just *happened.* So when I met my future husband, I knew we would have kids. He grew up thinking he'd never have them. This all changed when he came into our lives. He learned that there is a love that fills you to the very brim. It's a love that one cannot even begin to describe. So we started trying.

After a couple months I reached out to my midwife. This woman is my rock when it comes to my lady bits. She delivered my second and is one of the reasons I want to be a midwife. She is awesome and I love her. She offered me a lot of advice. I took as much as I could in and went full throttle into actively trying to conceive. (TTC) I went out and bought ovulation tests and a basal body thermometer. I charted every day. I checked my cervical mucus and my cervix like clockwork. I begged mother nature, God and anyone who was listening to let this be it.

Every day I would wake up and take my temperature. I never thought that seeing a temperature on a thermometer could be so agonizing. Once you get the hang of it, you expect to see things happen. You know what a chart is supposed to look like. So when you see that you are not getting that chart you get let down. Have you ever cried looking at a thermometer? I have. Looking at my jacked up, ridiculous looking charts and confirming with ovulation tests (OPK) that I am, in fact, NOT ovulating at all whatsoever is about as painful as I thought it would get. I cried peeing in a cup knowing that that stupid opk would come up negative and yet another annovulatory cycle. Not only would they be annovulation cycles, they would last months. MONTHS without having a period. How can you get pregnant without having a period and no ovulation?!? You can't. That is an extremely hard thing to deal with. I have done a lot of crying. Most of it was in the car. 

How do you look at the man you love and know you cannot give him the baby that he DESERVES while he raises the two kids that another “man” deserted? It is HARD. I struggle with it every damn day.

As we approached eight or so months of temping and charting my non-ovulation, jacked up cycles, expensive prenatal vitamins, constant wondering what the hell was going on with my body, we decided to go ahead and get his sperm tested. Now, let me note that he has a condition called Primary Ciliary Dyskenesia. (PCD for short) Basically the cilia in his body don't function very well, if at all. Since the tails of sperm are cilia, some men don't have very good swimmers. I will never forget the day that we found out about his sperm analysis. It was my last day of work. My department was being laid off and outsourced so that the hospital could save money. I loved my job. I loved my coworkers. I was an emotional mess already. My oldest was in school and we had to take my youngest with us. We go in and she starts talking about how he is a unique case because of his condition. I knew in that moment that things were about to get serious. That day, with my little girl sitting in my lap, we found out that there were no sperm at all. None. Not a single one. 

I cannot even begin to tell you how that felt. To his face, I stayed strong for him. I had to go back and finish my last day. I cried in the back stairwell. I have never felt pain so deep. I walk back in and see my amazing supervisor and BAWLED my eyes out as she hugged me. Low and behold, they were throwing us a surprise going away party. Never have I had to work harder to pretend to be happy when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sob.

Eventually we talked about it. It was really hard for him and I gave him the space he needed. When I would gently bring it up he would get teary and I backed off. How do you grieve? How do you get through the days? How do you do anything when all you want to do is scream. I can tell you that my grieving is stuck in anger and sadness. At one point, in our discussing it, he asked me if I would leave him because he may not be able to have children. The pain in his eyes about killed me. I told him that I would never. I can't imagine what he must have been and still goes through. It took a few months but we are okay with it now. We know that eventually we need him to be seen by a fertility specialist. There is still hope that IVF will be our saving grace. (Try explaining a large needle into the testicle to a man, his reaction is borderline hilarious. Okay, it was in my case, that may not always be so)

For now I am still struggling to get my body to do its job. I'm still not ovulating. I stared taking clomid in the hopes that it will make my body ovulate. First I had to get my body to have a period. So at cycle day 70 something I took provera. It's ten days long and turned me into a very angry woman but it worked! I got my period. Sweet. So cycle days 5-10 I took 50 mg of clomid. I started using ovulation tests the day after I stopped taking it so that I would catch the surge. After cycle day 20 something I stopped testing. My chart was all over the place and I knew I didn't ovulate. That was later confirmed by a day 21 progesterone blood test. So more disappointment. I am starting a course of 100mg clomid tonight. I am praying this does something. At this point I have come to terms with the fact that we will have to save money and someday get IVF. 

I have not come to terms with my body betraying me. I am angry with it. There are days where I would like nothing more than to cut it out and light it on fire. There is nothing wrong with my ovaries. So why won't they work? WHY can't they just produce a damn egg? I'm back to crying over temps on a thermometer. I hate my body. I don't understand how a 26 year old can be going through this. Hell, I was even tested for menopause!

Nothing is wrong yet my body fails me every day. Infertility is a hard thing to talk about. However, having secondary infertility is, I think, even harder. People make it seem like you are ungrateful for the children you already have because there are some who don't have any. They don't realize how unfair that is. They have no idea. I know my family isn't complete yet. I know there is more joy and happiness out there for us. Whether you have primary or secondary, infertility sucks. You have to be a warrior to get through it. To push on every day. To see pregnant ladies at work, in the mall, at family gatherings. It's a pain that cuts so deeply. I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone. It has literally dragged me to hell and back.

Acronyms for the Uninitiated

For those who are unfamiliar with the acronyms in the "ttc" community, here is a fairly comprehensive list of acronyms that will be used in blog posts.

AF: aunt flow a.k.a- Period

BBT: Basal Body Temp

BD: Baby dance ( sex)

BFN: Big Fat Negative..

BFP: Big Fat Positive

CD: cycle day

CM: cervical Mucus

CP: cervical position

DD: dear daughter

SIL: Sister in law

FIL: Father in law

MIL: Mother in law

DH: dear husband ( or damn husband depending on if you're mad at him)

DPO: Days past Ovulation

DS:  Dear son

DTD: doing the deed (sex)

EDD: Estimated Due Date

EPO: evening primrose

ER: Egg Retrieval

ET: egg transfer

EWCM:  Egg White Cervical Mucus (Ovulatory Cervical Mucus)

FX : fingers crossed

HPT: Home pregnancy test

HSG: Hysterosalpingogram ( dye injection test)

IUI: inter uterine insemination

IVF: In Vetro fertilization

MACA: Maca Root ( supplement)

O: ovulation

OPK: Ovulation Predictor Kit

POAS: pee on a stick ( Prego test)

RE: reproductive Endocrinologist (fertility doctor)

SA: Semen Analysis

SAHM: stay at home mom

TTC: Trying to conceive

2ww: two week wait (from Ovulation tuntil menses)

And the truth comes out . . .

I Am

I am an infertile mother
I wonder when bitterness set in
I hear the sounds of my daughter praying for me
I see the child I have not concieved
I want to be a mother again
I am an infertile mother

I pretend that my chances are gone
I feel jealousy where none should exist
I touch my womb and sob
I worry that bitterness will consume me
I cry with each passing month
I am an infertile mother

I understand I have been blessed
I say "I can't" to hide the pain
I dream of a little nursling
I try to keep my chin up
I hope I can win the fight
I am an infertile mother