Anniversaries

One of the aspects of repeat pregnancy loss that many women struggle with is anniversaries.  Today is an anniversary, but not one directly related to my pregnancy losses.

Today is the second anniversary of my mother's passing.  I had been awake for about two hours before I realized what day it was.  The emotions hit pretty hard and fast and since then, day-to-day life has taken over its course, as would be expected.

It is also a reminder of just how many years my husband and I have spent ttc. When mom passed away, I was a day or two away from ovulation after a year of trying and the phone call came in at a rather inopportune moment.  I just knew when I heard Dad's ringtone that it was about Mom, so I made the rush to grab my phone--something I would never normally do under the circumstances.

When ttc and BDing, *nothing* gets in the way.  Except this.

Sixteen days later it was my birthday, I was on my flight back home, and it was CD1.

That was the most miserable tww ever, hoping against hope that that month would be our lucky month so that I could always look at my child and know that he or she had begun their journey into the world the day Mom left it.

The following March, I was again traveling during AF, but this time it was to my father's wedding.  That weekend was the weekend my third daughter would have been born.  I would have been 38 weeks along and both of my other daughters delivered at 38 weeks.

Some of these anniversaries just suck.  I am very happy that dad has found someone to love and who loves him.  She's waited decades to have a good man in her life and above all, I know my father is a good man.  But even knowing that doesn't take away from the pain I feel.  Nobody can replace my mother in the role of mother and it has taken some getting used to.

This second anniversary comes with new emotions.  Besides the knowledge that I could have an 11 month old toddling around my ankles and mischievously crawling up the stairs and emptying out the pots and pans, there is the ache to tell my mom about the milestones I'm reaching with the pregnancy of our son and how different it is from each of my pregnancies with my daughters.

Not only am I trying to switch gears by referring to our baby as our son (which still feels so strange!) but also because I have an anterior placenta and it's causing all sorts of unnecessary worry.  I'm used to feeling my babies move from a very early point.  Even my husband felt our second daughter before I hit 16 weeks!  But with the placenta sitting in the front, it's like having a pillow block most of the movement and only the strongest of kicks or somersaults can be felt.

Loss of movement was my first indication that I'd lost my daughter, so *not* feeling my son at beyond 16 weeks has caused some stress to say the least.  I am so thankful for my doppler, which lets me hear his heartbeat and keeps me from having a full on panic attack when I go 2-3 days without much movement.

I believe in Heaven: a pre-existence and life beyond death. But I don't know if, for example, my mother is up in heaven chatting things up with my son and telling him just how much he's wanted, how hard we've worked to have him, and how many years we've dreamed about having him in our lives.

What I do know is that Mom has been busy and I believe she's aware of what is going on in my life.  She was in the delivery room with me when I delivered my daughters and I wouldn't put it past her to find a way to be there when my son comes into the world.