The Memory Box

Today I picked up what I think will be that last thing for Jackson's memory box: his cremated remains.

In the past 3 weeks, I've had a hard time settling one what the proper "term" for those are.  Someone used the term "cremains" in a 2nd trimester loss group and it's the term I think I'll use.

The call came in Friday but I wasn't adequately motivated to pick them up until this morning.  Our Odyssey is still at the auto body shop for repairs and the little Kia Sorrento I'm driving really doesn't have car seat space for 3 (or more) seats.

Today I knew I could make it over and my mood was sufficiently good to get me out of the house, so that's what I did.  The two daycare children sat in the back, rear facing, and my 3 year old was thrilled to sit in the front in our Britax Frontier.

I miss my van and driving to pick up my son's cremains in a too-small rental was just a reminder of how much that week sucked and how I'm still dealing with everything on so many levels. Tears streamed down my cheeks for the first half of the drive there.

Crying and driving aren't a great combination, so I changed the radio station to classical and let that change my focus to my driving.

Have you ever tried signing cremation papers when you have a tired 13 week old in your arms, an arbitrarily moody 3 year old, and an "I must touch everything!" 17 month old?  Let's just say the scene was probably not what the funeral director was used to.  But I think having all the girls there kept me from getting really emotional while I was there and for the drive home.

Jackson's cremains are in a small, royal blue velvet pouch.  I knew the amount would be small and light, but it was even smaller and lighter than I had anticipated. He'll be placed in his memory box for the next couple of years.  When we move into our "forever" home, we plan on transplanting the rose bush Dad bought and planting the cremains with the rose bush.  It's Jackson's rose bush and always will be.

The box also contains all of his ultrasound pictures, the cards we received from friends and family, our hospital bands, and the stats card with his height and weight.

The box is sitting out in the basement on the futon for now.  Sometime, maybe in a month or so, I'll close the top, tie the ribbon, and find a place for the box.  I don't know where, we'll put it, but there's still time to figure that out.