Second in the pile was a poem titled "In Comes Sadness". The title intrigued me, so I began to read, slowly, breathing carefully as I continued. In the end, I loved it so much I thought I would share it.
In Comes Sadness
Mom and I sit on the bean bag seat
"I am so sorry to say this, but your brother has died."
We start crying
A tear dripped from my eye
I keep crying--a lot
"Why? Why? Why?" I think.
My heart feels lost.
Sadness has come to our home.
The poetry unit was done through the month of April and it's clear to me that the moment I shared Jackson's passing will be one of those pivotal points in her life.
I remember constantly that my husband is grieving but in my pain, I'd forgotten how much of an impact Jackson's presence had on my sweet girls. My other daughter is 3 and may not remember any of what transpired over that six months, but she'll always know she had a brother and his name was Jackson because we will always talk about him.
It has been 57 days since my son was born. It feels like an eternity, but the memory is still so fresh and raw. I feel like the Hulk, raw and exposed, ready to destroy everything with my pain.
I read a meme this morning that said something along the lines of "The pain doesn't lesson, but we become stronger and bear it better with time and healing."
It's still too soon for me to know if this is true. The only thing that made the pain of losing my daughter any easier was my pregnancy with Jackson. Will that again be the case?
And if we conceive again, how will my oldest daughter, my sunshine-before-the-storm, react? Will she be filled with the fear I will hold? Will she cry to her Heavenly Father, begging him not to take the baby away? Or will she be hopeful or pragmatic?
I am in awe of her beauty, inside and out. I want to protect her from my pain, but I don't know how! And I know that the pain she feels can give her a measure of empathy that she could not otherwise share with others.
Sadness may have come to our home, as she wrote, but so have valuable lessons and growing experiences that we could not have had otherwise. And I thank my God every day for my two miracles. I would not be able to heal without them.
