I can keep being a big ball of nerves, but know that my baby has a heartbeat, and thus, a chance at survival.
Or . . .
I will be stopping all meds and hoping that my body miscarries on its own and another d&c isn't required.
My degree is in mathematics education. I tutor statistics, study outcomes, and have a general sense for numbers.
In the last 9 years I have had over 70 ultrasounds related to fertility and pregnancy. Of those, only 4 have shown negative things.
The first was in August 2008, when it showed my 8 week pregnancy was a blighted ovum, measuring 7 weeks. Clear pregnancy sac and a strand of tissue, but no baby. The week before I'd passed some mucus speckled with what appear to be a blood clot. I didn't know at the time that that blood clot was actually my miscarried baby.
The next difficult one wasn't until September 2012, when my daughter's heart stopped for what seemed like no reason at all.
The next two were those surrounding the loss of our son, with one being the slowed growth and the other confirmation of his death.
Statistically speaking, this ultrasound should go well. 4 bad out of over 70 . . . that's over 92% "successful" ultrasounds.
So why am I so nervous?
Because my pregnancies have a 72% failure rate. That's why.
My emotions have been all over the place. In some moments I feel the peace of God, knowing that He knows the outcome and can guide me no matter what that outcome is. At other moments I feel my past weighing on my mind, knowing how small of a chance I really have that this pregnancy will work out.
And I don't know if there is a heartbeat yet. I could have gone in as early as tomorrow. I'll be 6 weeks along . . . but sometimes that's just a day or two too soon, so I decided to wait until Monday, where that extra few days should make all the difference.
Our unnamed daughter had a heartbeat at 5w+6d, but I know each baby can be just a little different as far as cardiac activity goes. She was my earliest ultrasound and the doctor agreed to have it done so early because of my history of loss.
In the next 4 days, I am going to try very hard to Remember.
". . . then do I remember what the Lord has done for me, yea, even that he hath heard my prayer; yea, then do I remember his merciful arm which he extended towards me."1
I'm going to remember that feeling of peace I had when I was pregnant with Jackson.
I'm going to remember that feeling that everything would be okay, even as he passed away.
I'm going to remember the outpouring of love and support from family members and a tremendous number of friends, both near and far.
I'm going to remember that I have Two Miracles.
I'm going to remember that my past does not dictate my future.
I'm going to remember that I have my best friend by my side and my loss is his loss, and my success is our success.
I'm going to remember that this life is just a small moment in the eternities and just because I can't have a large family now doesn't mean that I won't have one when the Heavens are ours to build and grow.
And I'm going to remember that I am a Daughter of Heavenly Parents who weep with me when I weep, who rejoice when I rejoice, and who I can feel when I find that quiet place in my heart and in my mind to just feel.
Four days to Remember.
