A Letter to My Rainbow Baby

Dear Dash,

Today you turned 4 months old. The last few weeks have been difficult for me as I've watched you grow. You're no longer the tiny little infant I brought home and time is flying by so much faster than I want it to.

Before too much time goes by, I want to share something near and dear to my heart. You see, before you were born, you had a brother. He was born sleeping just a little more than 9 months before you. He was tiny. His little feet were a little shorter than your pinky finger. His lips were shaped just like yours and mine. Like you, his eyebrows were so light they were almost invisible.

Someday, when you are older, I will show you the pictures of your brother.

If you want to know what he felt like, or smelled like, you can ask Grammy. She came to the hospital and held him. She touched his cheek, held his tiny hand, admired his perfect feet.

You can ask your dad, too, but be patient with his response. Daddy lost his son and that is something he has a difficult time talking about. We miss your brother.

Something amazing happened just 9 weeks to the day after your brother was born. We found out you were on the way.

My pregnancy with you was an experience you'll have plenty of time to read about.

Since your birth, our family feels a lot less empty than it did. I don't feel we are complete, but for now we are whole in a way we had not been for quite some time.

You are the sweetest baby I've ever met. I wasn't so sure about that the first 6-8 weeks, but it was all my fault you were a fussy mess! Once I quit eating dairy, you became calm, you stopped waking up with painful gas, and you now sleep 10-11 hours straight each night.

If you have children of your own, you'll understand just how precious that 10 hour sleep truly is!
While you're sleeping, I wake up each and every night to express the milk my body is making for you. You don't need this milk, so I am giving it to another baby because his mother is having a difficult time making enough milk for him.

You love to smile. You smile when your diaper is being changed, when you're nursing, when Daddy smiles at you, and when you hear your oldest sister's voice as she walks in the door from school each day.

You love to laugh. The sounds is infectious and we all stop to listen to the sheer delight you are sharing.

You love to hold on to things. When you are nursing, you always grab my shirt or my bra. I try to get you to hold my finger but you let go and grab my shirt instead.

You love to stand up and you're starting to bounce when we hold you in our laps.

You still watch everything going on around you, taking it all in. Sometimes you stare off into the distance, or at a wall, and I think you are seeing people we cannot see.

Who do you see? Is it my mother? Is it your brother? Is it a friend you knew in Heaven before you came to be with us?

At 4 months, we are still having some difficulties with your latch and position as you nurse. I have a milk blister that doesn't want to heal and it feels like a fire poker is stabbing me, especially in the half hour after you nurse on that side. You still sometimes make sucking noises because you lose suction. Most babies may make a little noise, but not like you! I nurse you around other people regularly and anyone who can hear sure does get an earful.

When you're super hungry, you seem to keep suction pretty well but if you're just nursing to soothe, it is painful so I frequently just unlatch you and wait a few minutes before trying again.
I have a goal to let you nurse until you are two years old. My mother always said I was the most stubborn of her children and that stubbornness has kept me from giving up on nursing you at the breast. There are times when I can nurse you without any pain at all and I love those times and hope that they will become more frequent as you grow.

The bliss on your face when you are "milk drunk" is worth all of the pain.
The rolls on your thighs and your double chin are worth all of the pain.
Your dimples as your cheeks have filled out are worth all the pain.
Every little bit of weight that you put on comes from me and that is a powerful feeling.

You ran a fever last week so I took you to the doctors' office. They checked your weight and I was pleased to see you've put on over 7 pounds since you left the hospital! Your weight was 13lbs 9oz that day. Woo hoo!!

The last thing I want you to know is about my feelings regarding my Savior and my Heavenly Father. I prayed daily for years to have another child. When we lost your brother, I was devastated. How could my Heavenly Father let me lose my son after all that we had been through to conceive him?
And somewhere along the line I realized that Heavenly Father knew exactly what I was feeling. He had to lose his son, too. That knowledge brought me peace and Heavenly Father let me know that everything was going to be okay. By letting His Son die, it gave me a way to return to Him.
Your brother's death paved the way for you to enter my life in much the same way that my Elder Brother lets me know my Heavenly Parents. If I hadn't lost him, I would never have had you.
So when you see me crying, just put those arms of yours around me and I will hug you back. You are the promise my Heavenly Father gave me.

With love beyond words,
Mommy