Motherless Mothering

It has been quite some time since I posted anything of real relevance regarding my life.

Or perhaps it just feels like an eternity?

I’ve had a few different posts running through my brain but I have been unable to focus on any of them. This has led to a complete absence of posts in general.  Oops!

Tonight there is something weighing on my mind that truly has no solution but I want to talk about it a little anyway because I know that someday my children will read everything I’ve written here.

I am not perfect but I want them to know that I’m trying to be the best mother I can.

My oldest is finishing third grade next month. This was her teacher’s rookie year but the snags from that end have been minimal. Unfortunately, there have been snags.

This is also the year that K was evaluated for the gifted program. Part of the evaluation included a parent survey, where I needed to evaluate K in specific areas, including social behaviors, hobbies, reading, math, etc.  I struggled with the evaluation because I don’t know how she compares to her peers or what is normal for her age group. I only know what she does and whether she is working her hardest or not.

For some time I have thought that K is a smart student who can remember facts and assimilate ideas in meaningful ways. Her ability to extrapolate math concepts is remarkable as well. What I did not know is whether that qualified as being gifted or not.

From a personal perspective, I don’t consider myself to be “gifted”. I consistently scored above 95^th percentile on standardized tests and my teachers called me a model student, but gifted? No. Upon entering junior high I was tested and I honestly don’t remember the results. I believe I fell into the “maybe” category and my mother could have pushed it but she chose not to. I seem to recall a conversation about ten years ago where she told me that she didn’t want me being ostracized further. I was already one of only two 7^th graders in advanced band and 12 students who had tested into the honors Algebra class. I wasn’t popular at church, either, for a wide variety of reasons I’d rather not go into right now. I didn’t fit in well anywhere and Mom didn’t want to make that worse.

For me to try and label my bright child as “gifted” just seems wrong. She’s not average, but I don’t think she’s any more intelligent than I was at that age.

Here is where the conflict comes: she isn’t your standard third grader but she’s not gifted, either.

Where does that leave me? With a child who is bored in school and starting to act out. Whether the acting out is related to being bored, to her new role as Dash’s sister, etc, I don’t know. I wish I did.

There was an incident on the playground last week that absolutely mortified me. I think she was trying to tease some of her friends, but it got out of hand. She was giving two students bunny ears and one of them, her closest male friend, took offense. I don’t know how quickly it escalated, but he pushed her down. She got up and for reasons I don’t even begin to understand, gave him bunny ears again. He repeated the pushing. I don’t know how many times she hit the ground, but the boy was given a referral to the principal and K got off scot-free, even though she was clearly antagonizing her friend.

To me, that behavior (doing something to someone they don’t like) is bullying. And I don’t like it.

When I asked her about her day when she came home, she didn’t mention a thing; she acted like everything was perfect. She was so hesitant to say what had happened and I know in my mommy heart it’s because she knew she had done something wrong. It took some serious patience on my part, knowing that how I handled the situation would set a tone for any future discussions related to K doing things she shouldn’t and/or me disapproving of her actions.

If the playground incident was a stand-alone incident, I wouldn’t be quite so worried, but it’s just another step in a pattern I’ve been noticing at home. K has become pretty aggressive with her 4 year old sister. She has smacked her face, pinched her cheeks, yells at her, trips her on purpose, etc. I feel like she’s trying to prove she’s bigger and better than others, and I don’t understand why.

I guess the moral of the story is that I’m feeling like a rather big fat failure as a mom. 

I wonder if my mother ever felt the same way?  Like me, she couldn’t call her mother and ask for advice, since her mother had passed away when my older brother was only 4. Her maternal support was her mother-in-law, who had raised 5 boys—a very different dynamic than the four children Mom had.

 Motherless mothering is hard. I knew it would be, but experiencing the reality as my children grow really drives that home. Sometimes, a mommy just wants her mother, too.

I have the option of appealing the decision regarding the gifted program but time is quite short and I’m not entirely sure I want to open that bag of worms. The process wouldn’t be very easy on K and a second rejection may be more than she can take right now . . .

But here is something cute to cheer everyone up.