Second Stillbirthday

Today is our son's second stillbirthday.

Last year I felt like I handled it really well. I had my sweet, new little miracle to hold, cuddle, and do a little crying with. I took all the girls and we bought balloons and set them free, watching as the wind changed directions and blew them into a nearby tree, entangling those little strings for months.

I'm not doing anything like that this year. One major reason is that I felt guilty for littering and could see the evidence of that for months when I took the children to the park.

The other is that it's again very windy and a little cool. I don't have it in me to walk across the street with the kids and buy balloons, head to the park, and let them go.

I'm too depressed/sad/grief stricken to do much of anything today. I did get 25 minutes of my normal 30 minute work-out completed, but I couldn't even finish that last few minutes.

I feel  . . . raw . . .  exposed . . .alone . . . unprepared.

For reasons I don't understand, the grief has hit much harder than I expected. I thought that the first stillbirthday would be the hardest but I was very wrong.

It's so much worse this year.

There is someone that woke up thinking about Jackson.

My loving husband. I am so grateful that we chose each other as spouses and have both stayed committed to loving and serving one another through the good and the bad. It hasn't always been easy for either of us.

The loss of a child can be devastating to a marriage. Based on a couple different studies I read (you can find them here and here), chances of divorce go up 7-9% over the rest of the population after the death of a child. I don't know the statistics for stillbirths but I can say that of the 7 couples I know who have lost their babies in the last 3 years, 2 have since divorced.

My husband posted this scripture on my facebook wall this morning before I woke:

"Can a woman forget her nursing child,

And not have compassion on the son

of her womb? Surely they may

forget, Yet I will not forget you."

--Isaiah 49:15

There ought to be a law against making one's spouse cry before 6am. (Kidding!) 

My husband thought about me . . . about our son . . . and took the time from his morning routine to let me know that he was thinking about us. Things like that make me fall in love with him even more.