It has become I day I dread for so many reasons. For one, I love my children and having them away from me is sometimes very difficult. They keep me going when life feels like it's doing everything to convince me to give up.
The second reason is far harder to explain, but I'm going to try.
On the first day of kindergarten for my oldest, I found out I was pregnant. This felt like such a miracle because our baby was only 14 months old and it seemed so amazing that I might have children under two years apart. I put my 5 year old on the bus with such an amazing feeling of hope!
But 7 days later I started spotting. I tried calling the OB who had delivered my baby just 14 months before, but her office refused to see me for a blood draw or, what I really wanted, a progesterone draw. I wasn't allowed to come in until I was 9 weeks. So just a few days later, the full miscarriage kicked in. I was 8 weeks along, my mother was incredibly ill, and I felt so alone. We hadn't told anyone we were expecting, and I couldn't believe my body had failed me a second time.
On the first day of first grade, I was 8 weeks along. I'd already had multiple ultrasounds that confirmed a wonderfully healthy baby with a perfect heartbeat and perfect growth. The extra ultrasounds had been due to a subchorionic hemorrhage that had caused crazy pain, but no bleeding. At the end of the 4th week of school, I couldn't feel the baby flutters anymore--a sensation I'd gotten used to during the previous 2 weeks. I couldn't find the heartbeat with my doppler, either. A trip to my new OB confirmed that our baby had died and a D&C was scheduled for later that afternoon.
The first day of second grade was difficult for different reasons. I still wasn't pregnant, inspite of multiple rounds of Clomid and confirmation of 4 mature follicles on two different cycles. I'd had to attend a wedding (I hate weddings!), and I'd already figured out that another family member was expecting.
I felt alone that day, too.
And things didn't get better. It was just a couple of months later that I found out Jackson was on his way but anyone who has read any of my other posts knows that ended more painfully than any of the others.
So here I am on the first day of third grade for my oldest. And again, I am pregnant. And feeling alone. I've now had 5 pregnancy losses, each one later than the last. . .
And TODAY is the day Dash decides to play softly, rather than the raging circus of the last two days. BAD timing Dash! I need you to kick and squirm and do all those amazing things you were doing yesterday, PLEASE?!??
Someone at the bus stop asked how I was feeling and I didn't even know how to answer. I wanted to say, "I'm still scared to death and I just want to skip the next 17 weeks," but that's not something you say to a bus stop mom who isn't familiar with the ins and outs of your medical history, even if she is aware that we lost our son in the spring.
This is also the gestational age where Jackson quit growing. So in a few short days, as long as Dash is continuing to grow at the proper rate, she will be bigger than Jackson was at birth. He was 9 inches long and 9 ounces in weight. His head circumference measured that of an 18w+3d baby, his torso measured 17w+4 days, and his femur measured 17w+0d. That asymmetrical growth is typical of a baby under the kind of distress he experienced before his death.
So I thought I would share a set of photos that are painful for me, but to give an idea of just how different my pregnancy with him was in terms of my belly growth.
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| 17 weeks + 3 days with Jackson |
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| 17 Weeks + 0 days with Dash |
To say that my belly has popped out more this time would be a gross understatement. This is how I looked with my living girls at this point, too, and feels more normal to me, apart from the lack of weight gain.
Dash, please do Mom and Dad a big favor and keep growing. Keep kicking. Get the hiccups. Do all those things your sisters did, so I can rest a little easier and laugh a little lighter, ok??
And to everyone else: Please oh please stop posting Labor Day pregnancy announcements. Or if you do, can you please, PLEASE block me from them? They seriously hurt!!
