New Year, New Routine

Earlier this week I had that special moment many mothers have where they put their child on the bus for the first time to send them off to kindergarten.
Had it not been for an adorable 2 year old who was screaming, "I want my Adam*!!" as her brother climbed on the bus, I would have been in tears.
My middle child has been my soft spot as I mentioned a few days ago. She looked so grown up getting on the bus with an air of confidence to rival any experienced bus rider. It's only the first of many times she will leave the nest and I will cry and celebrate each one.
We hit a milestone this week with her, too. The milestone has been several years in the making and one that we're really excited about.
My Spitfire has learned how to read!
She is still in the early stages, but she can now confidently sound out words and is beginning to recognize a few by sight. She wants to read each night. Just six short months ago she was uninterested in sitting down to listen to us read a book, much less to try and connect sounds to form words.

With the start of school-for-2 comes a new routine for our entire family. It is taking extra effort to get Spitfire to bed on-time and the Reader (my oldest) still wants to stay up and read as long as it is light enough to do so. The sun is setting earlier each day, so this hasn't been too much of a problem.
Sleep is something I value quite highly! My husband and I developed the habit of putting Reader to sleep around 7pm each night when she was a baby and we have stuck as closely to that as possible, with each school year pushing back her bedtime by about 15 minutes.
Spitfire and Reader share a bedroom, so having them go to bed at the same time would be ideal, it just isn't practical since a 9 year old really doesn't need as much sleep as a 5 year old. If you want to read studies and recommendations on pediatric sleep needs, take a look here and here.
We're currently 0-4 for getting Spitfire to bed at her designated 7pm bedtime, but one of those losses was getting her to bed at 6:30, so that counts for something I suppose.
Perhaps tonight we'll hit the 7pm bull's eye?
One new thing we added to our routine this summer is scripture reading. Some nights we only have time for a couple of minutes and other nights we've spent half an hour reading together. On the abbreviated nights, we have turned to listening to the scriptures now that our mobile devices have the audio file so readily available. Since Spitfire is still quite young and the vocabulary isn't what she's used to hearing, we stop frequently to explain a little of what is being read. Last night I knew that Spitfire needed to go to bed early so we listened during dinner. It was peaceful, something I needed after having a rather difficult day with work.
It was a desire of both my parents and my husband's parents to have regular family scripture study but neither couple managed to make it a family priority while their children were young. I am hoping that even though Spitfire is still young, and Dash is pretty much oblivious, we can make this a pattern in our lives. For now, the younger children aren't getting much out of the scriptures themselves but they will learn that regular scripture study is important to us and the hope is that it will become important to them, too.
Most evenings I finish work around 5:15, which means I have 105 minutes to feed my children, have them get into their pajamas with their teeth brushed, get their clothes laid out for the next day and lunches or snacks made, and then spend a few minutes reading together. It isn't much time! I need to find a better way of getting meals done quickly since my time is so limited. I know the crock pot should be my friend, but even getting that put together during my day hasn't been easy.
The sleep thing seriously makes me wish my little girls didn't have to catch the bus a full hour and a half before the high school starts. The teen biological sleep clock studies drive me nuts. Teenagers can adjust their sleep times--just ask any Latter-day Saint high schooler who has had seminary at 6am. Can my 5 year old do that? No, because we simply don't have enough time in the evening to put her to bed any sooner.
And we don't even do extra curricular sports!! When I think about the number of families in our community who have their elementary school kids in soccer, baseball, football, dance, and art classes, it makes my head spin. I am half convinced that many of the discipline problems at school could be curbed if the younger students were able to get another hour of sleep each night. I know the impact on my own children and those in my care is significant.
Here are a few pictures from the first day of school that I wanted to share.
My little babies are growing up!

Last day of School, June 2015

First day of School August 2015

The Reader, 4th Grade

The Spitfire, Kindergarten

Hey, Wait for Mom!

Is Spitfire somewhere in line?

Yup, she's there. The 32nd student on the bus from our stop.

Half Day Kindergarten means greeting the Reader at the end of her day.

Dash is now 7 months and counting. 

*name changed for privacy

The First Day of School (Again)

Each year seems to be going by just a little faster than the last and we are, once again, experiencing the First Day of School.

It has become I day I dread for so many reasons. For one, I love my children and having them away from me is sometimes very difficult. They keep me going when life feels like it's doing everything to convince me to give up.

The second reason is far harder to explain, but I'm going to try.

On the first day of kindergarten for my oldest, I found out I was pregnant. This felt like such a miracle because our baby was only 14 months old and it seemed so amazing that I might have children under two years apart. I put my 5 year old on the bus with such an amazing feeling of hope!

But 7 days later I started spotting. I tried calling the OB who had delivered my baby just 14 months before, but her office refused to see me for a blood draw or, what I really wanted, a progesterone draw. I wasn't allowed to come in until I was 9 weeks.  So just a few days later, the full miscarriage kicked in. I was 8 weeks along, my mother was incredibly ill, and I felt so alone. We hadn't told anyone we were expecting, and I couldn't believe my body had failed me a second time.

On the first day of first grade, I was 8 weeks along. I'd already had multiple ultrasounds that confirmed a wonderfully healthy baby with a perfect heartbeat and perfect growth. The extra ultrasounds had been due to a subchorionic hemorrhage that had caused crazy pain, but no bleeding.  At the end of the 4th week of school, I couldn't feel the baby flutters anymore--a sensation I'd gotten used to during the previous 2 weeks. I couldn't find the heartbeat with my doppler, either.  A trip to my new OB confirmed that our baby had died and a D&C was scheduled for later that afternoon.

The first day of second grade was difficult for different reasons. I still wasn't pregnant, inspite of multiple rounds of Clomid and confirmation of 4 mature follicles on two different cycles. I'd had to attend a wedding (I hate weddings!), and I'd already figured out that another family member was expecting.

I felt alone that day, too.

And things didn't get better.  It was just a couple of months later that I found out Jackson was on his way but anyone who has read any of my other posts knows that ended more painfully than any of the others.

So here I am on the first day of third grade for my oldest.  And again, I am pregnant. And feeling alone.  I've now had 5 pregnancy losses, each one later than the last. . .

And TODAY is the day Dash decides to play softly, rather than the raging circus of the last two days. BAD timing Dash! I need you to kick and squirm and do all those amazing things you were doing yesterday, PLEASE?!??

Someone at the bus stop asked how I was feeling and I didn't even know how to answer. I wanted to say, "I'm still scared to death and I just want to skip the next 17 weeks," but that's not something you say to a bus stop mom who isn't familiar with the ins and outs of your medical history, even if she is aware that we lost our son in the spring.

This is also the gestational age where Jackson quit growing. So in a few short days, as long as Dash is continuing to grow at the proper rate, she will be bigger than Jackson was at birth.  He was 9 inches long and 9 ounces in weight. His head circumference measured that of an 18w+3d baby, his torso measured 17w+4 days, and his femur measured 17w+0d.  That asymmetrical growth is typical of a baby under the kind of distress he experienced before his death.

So I thought I would share a set of photos that are painful for me, but to give an idea of just how different my pregnancy with him was in terms of my belly growth.

17 weeks + 3 days with Jackson

17 Weeks + 0 days with Dash

To say that my belly has popped out more this time would be a gross understatement. This is how I looked with my living girls at this point, too, and feels more normal to me, apart from the lack of weight gain.

Dash, please do Mom and Dad a big favor and keep growing. Keep kicking. Get the hiccups. Do all those things your sisters did, so I can rest a little easier and laugh a little lighter, ok??

And to everyone else: Please oh please stop posting Labor Day pregnancy announcements. Or if you do, can you please, PLEASE block me from them? They seriously hurt!!