35 Weeks and Shoveling Snow

We've had a cold few days here in Northern Virginia!

This morning the "Real Feel" temperature was about 6 below zero. And that's Fahrenheit, not Celsius.

On Tuesday, just over 4" of snow fell and I decided that shoveling a little snow and clearing off the van would be good for me. The snow was a super light, fine powder and that made it very easy to shovel. In the back of my mind I was hoping the exercise would help with bringing on contractions, but it didn't do a thing while I was shoveling!

I stopped every few minutes to do a quick check for my pulse and baby movement and everything stayed in balance nicely.

While I shoveled, the 4 older children also played in the snow and the two infants slept all snuggled up in the stroller.  It made for a very fun morning!

By evening, contractions kicked in!! So although the shoveling had a delayed response, it did what I'd hoped it would do.  It feels like Dash is sitting even lower now--if that's even possible--and some of my contractions can also be felt in my cervix, which in the long run are the most important kind because those are the kind that will bring Dash into the world in a couple of weeks.

Our street was a giant sheet of ice yesterday, so my husband chose to stay home, especially since my contractions had been so intense the night before. This allowed me to easily get my final anti-Xa test done (he drove and stayed in the car with the kids while I ran in quickly for the blood draw) and to get a few bins of baby clothes sorted during naptime. We also decided to put the crib together and I'm very glad we chose to do that! It turns out we're missing 12 short bolts so we'll need to make a trip to Home Depot to get them before we finish the assembly.

We'd also forgotten just how big a traditional crib was. I think we had both become accustomed to the dimensions of the port-a-cribs I use for the daycare children.  We'll need to do a little furniture do-si-do once I finish sorting the bins and putting clothes and diapers away.

Almost all of the clothes for the first few months are borrowed and I'm so grateful for those who've so generously allowed us to borrow them.  Our budget has become tighter than it's been in a long time due to my reduced workload and clothing can be really expensive, which hardly seems worth it when babies stay that small for so long! There are only two things that I know we'll need to buy still: a small garbage can with a lid to use as a diaper pail and a changing pad.

I've also been sewing some postpartum supplies and I'm almost done with those as well. The finished products may not be perfectly sewn, but they are very functional and I'm looking forward to avoiding the chemical ridden supplies the vast majority of women in the U.S. use!

I still need to sew some breastpads, but those will be very quick and I don't need too many of them if my past experiences are anything I can trust this time around, too.

Two weeks. . . just 14 days from today . . . and I'll be at the Birthing Inn, preparing to hold my little Rainbow Dash!

35 Weeks

(You know, that silly plunger has been in the background of all these photos and the silliest part? We don't even need it! We replaced that toilet a couple of years ago and haven't even come close to needing a plunger since! Maybe by next week I'll have removed it from the bathroom??)

34 Weeks and Lovenox Guide

We did it!  We've made it to 34 weeks.  As my delivering OB stated last week, this is the point where the long term outcomes for babies born at this point is identical to those born full term.  As she put it, "They just need a little help in the beginning."

It feels amazing. All of it. The not-so-little head rubbing on my pelvic nerves, feet poking out my love handles, hiccups . . . all of it.

Staying active and good chiropractic care has also kept me mobile so I don't usually have back pain until very late in the day, if at all.

The lovenox shots are still no fun, but I am starting to see the "end of the tunnel" as far as they're concerned. Just a little over 9 weeks of stabbing myself left!!

I've been taking these darn things since November 2013, with only a 3 week break between when I finished up my postpartum shots after Jackson's stillbirth and starting them back up again the day after meeting with Dr. H back in May.

It's a long time to be doing daily, then twice daily, injections of a medicine that burns so badly, but I also know it isn't for the rest of my life, which is what many Type I diabetics deal with if they can't get an insulin pump.

Some women in the lovenox support group I'm in have been starting new pregnancies and for many, it is their first time on lovenox. A few have been asking about various injection sites and how to rotate sites, which sites cause more pain than others, etc.

For those women, I created this diagram.  It doubles as my belly shot for the week, too, since this was taken Tuesday morning.

Based on comments to my photo in the group, each woman's experience with the shots is a little different and what doctors recommend varies, too.  Some doctors allow the buttocks and thighs as injection sites, others say to avoid above the belly button, and even more say to do them in an old scar if you've had a c-section in the past.

I've never had a c-section so I don't have any numb spots! And my doctor says all shots need to go in my belly, using all 4 quadrants. So that is what I do.

The area marked "avoid at all costs" still gets avoided. So for the lower quadrants, I tend to work a little closer to my belly button or further off to the sides, away from my pre-existing stretch marks.

On a different note . . . I had a short discussion with a fellow pregnant-at-the-time LDS acquaintance a few months ago and she was talking about just how awful the cut of LDS garments are for pregnant women. I agree wholeheartedly, but because of experiences my parents had shared with me, I knew that I could special order something that I knew would provide a great fit for me.

If you are unfamiliar with LDS garments, also know as Garments of the Priesthood, please watch the video in the link here.

And last year, that is exactly what I had done. The waistband on the bottoms was causing issues with my injection sites so I'd talked to one of the Distribution Center seamstresses and a template was made, two samples were sent, and I loved them so much I ordered a bunch more.

For those that are curious, the waist of my bottoms matches the cut at the top of my jeans, below the stretchy belly band.  Meaning, I didn't have to pull anything down or tuck anything in to take the picture above. The waistband stays entirely off my growing belly, both keeping me pain-free from the injections and allowing for continued growth while still getting a comfy fit.

I take the covenants I made as far as wearing my garments quite seriously (again, please watch the little video if you would like to know more). These promises mean so much to me and I love that I am able to wear my garments comfortably, even so far along in my pregnancy. With both of my other full-term pregnancies, finding garments that fit was very hard the last 6-8 weeks or so because they were all cut so poorly, so I had to go up a size for the waist to sort of fit but then they were super huge in the legs . . .but this time I have something that I adore, even in the last couple weeks of pregnancy. They are a delight to put on each morning as I remember the promises I've made to my Heavenly Father.

**And for those that are interested, in the biophysical profile run on Dash today, she scored a perfect 8/8!! The doctor commented that it was the first perfect score of the day and was very pleased. I have one last anti-Xa test tomorrow.**

33 Weeks

Back in June, my brother's wife wished very lovingly that I would be as big as a house on Christmas.
I'm not quite as big as a house, but getting close!

32 Weeks and Confessions about Collections

Dash and I have made it another week. We're down to 37 days until our birthing day and I'm both petrified and excited.  I am so very ready to hold my little girl but that also means not being pregnant anymore.

As miserable as pregnancy can be for many women, I don't get sick, I can still bend down to tie my shoes, I did 45 minutes of yoga last night without breaking a sweat, and there's something truly amazing about both feeling and watching her dance within me.

I love being pregnant.

When I can set aside the anxiety, the pain from my injections, and just enjoy the moments, there's something very powerful about growing a baby. Perhaps this is a little sacrilegious, but as powerful as God is, he can't do this one thing and so he has gifted his daughters with the responsibility of growing life. He relies on us to provide bodies for his children. Without us, the Plan of Salvation, of eternal families, falls flat on its face. I feel trusted when I'm pregnant. Valued. Powerful. My body is a sacred place, a temple that houses the spirit of one of God's children.

And perhaps that's why battling infertility and pregnancy loss has been so hard. I took it rather personally that my Father in Heaven didn't trust me to raise those babies. I felt unworthy.  Broken. I had done something to deserve what had happened.

I know my Father in Heaven doesn't work that way when it comes to creating life, but knowledge doesn't always remove the pain, much like healing doesn't remove scars.

These may be the last 37 days that I'll ever be pregnant. My husband and I are open to having another baby, but being open to the idea doesn't mean that it will happen.

I'm not like the woman in my Lovenox group who, at 8 weeks postpartum from her 6th baby has found out she's now pregnant with her 7th.

I have 37 days left to enjoy those kicks and wiggles, the hiccups, the twists, and the stretching. Just 37 days to be her whole world, her temple.

In 37 days, my role transforms from one of creator to something new. Something different.

In 37 days, I am no longer the womb from which she relies on for life.

I am her mother.

I don't believe you have to give birth to be a mother, and I would think that any woman who has ever held a life in her body and lost it as well as any mother through adoption would understand what I'm trying to say (and probably failing miserably at!)

And in that 37 days, I have to get my *#&$^% together.

Confession time: My hospital bills from Jackson's stillbirth and the car accident later that week went to collections months ago.

Why? Because when it comes right down to it, who wants to deal with that kind of crap when in the throws of grief and then anxiety?

Nobody.

Some Most people are probably able to realize that not paying bills leads to collections, but even knowing that, I didn't get them paid. I couldn't pay them.

Did I have the money? Absolutely.

The time? Definitely.

The energy to write the dang check? Yup.

The emotional wherewithal? NO.

The car accident bills should have been taken care of by the responsible party's insurance company but that hasn't happened yet.

My bill hasn't been paid because, somehow, paying it seemed wrong. I mentioned months ago that the hospital incorrectly billed my insurance company for a semi-private room; a room I never occupied. I went straight from labor and delivery to my home.

Today, over 9 months after those bills were acquired, I made what I hope is the second and last phone call regarding those bills.

Both bills have been removed from collections and are back "in-house" while the billing department at the hospital reviews my medical records to confirm that I did indeed get discharged straight from labor and delivery and while the insurance company continues to work through the medical billing mess on their end.

I will still have to pay my co-pay for Jackson's birth, but at least this time I'll feel like I'm paying the right bill and not just whatever the hospital billing department thought I should have paid because they assumed I went home with a baby.

Perhaps, if I am very lucky, I can pay for Dash's co-pay at the same time as Jackson's. It will feel a lot less painful that way--like something that went very very wrong has, in some small way, been righted.

In 37 days, everything changes: our Rainbow Dash will be here.

#DashDays

31 Weeks and Scheduling

I have a sneaking suspicion the next 40 days are going to go by much faster than the last 40!

My OB's office called yesterday and wanted to know if I had a personal preference for which OB I wanted for delivery.  I don't really have a preference, so they said they'll notify the hospital to contact me with an induction date.  I can go as early as January 21st but no later than January 28th.

I'm hoping for the 22nd for a variety of reasons.  The first is that I flat out love Thursdays. It's the day I've always picked to make changes to my girls' routines (such as removing the pacifier for my oldest, starting "Cry it Out" with my second, etc) and a new sister is absolutely the start of a new routine.

Everything looks good on a Thursday, because the next day is always Friday and who doesn't love Fridays?

In addition, that gives me 3 days of work that week, one of which should be an easier-than-normal day because it's both a federal holiday and a school holiday, then 2-3 days in the hospital, and I can come home most likely on Saturday and have all day Sunday to be with local family/friends who may want to visit if I'm up to it.

I'll be taking the following week off from work and returning to work February 2nd. In an ideal world, I could take 8-12 weeks off but that would royally stink for all of my clients and for my own bank account.  Lifting will be limited to the weight of my baby for 6 weeks or so and to help with that, my friend and back-up provider will be around extensively to help me out. She'll take the lion's load for the first week or two and then we can taper it off from there.

My recovery from my previous 3 deliveries was incredibly fast and I have every reason to hope and believe that this recovery will be just as easy.

The day after I delivered my second

It's the lack of sleep I am most worried about. I've been through the "so tired you hurt" bit a couple times before and it's not much fun!  But again, it only lasts a few weeks and then my babies start sleeping for longer stretches and I can feel human again.

In theory, that is.

With an induction date in the works, I contacted Alicia, the nurse who was so wonderful during Jackson's delivery.  Her children are both grown and I hoped that her schedule would be pretty flexible so she could attend to me during Dash's delivery.  This was her response to my email yesterday:

Talia,

I am so excited for you! I can't believe how fast time has gone by. Yes I will come in whichever day you want that week. Just let me know when your induction is scheduled, or I'll keep a lookout. My week is open, so feel free to pick whatever day you want. It's going to be a wonderful birthday and thank you so much for letting me part of your family's special day. Let me know if there is anything I can do as well to help ahead of time:)

Looking forward to seeing you again,

Alicia is right: Time really has gone by quickly. It was only a year ago that I had my ultrasound with Jackson to confirm that my pregnancy was located where it needed to be and was a singleton. So much has happened since then!

Yesterday while the children were napping, I was overcome with emotions.  Each of the last 4 nights I have dreamt of my mother and I know that's because she was in the delivery room with us when our other daughters were born and this time she can't be there in the same sense. When I mentioned this to my husband, he said, "She'll still be there."

He's right. I know he's right. And I think these dreams may be preparing me in some way to be ready for her. It has been a while since I felt her as strongly as I used to but I know she wouldn't miss the delivery of her granddaughter for anything.

Mom holding my second while we're still in the delivery room.

If you knew my mother, you'd know that not even death can stop that woman when she wants to be somewhere!

A picture of her from her senior recital at BYU sits on the shelf in what will be Dash's room, right in my line of site from the chair where I intend to spend hours upon hours nursing my baby girl.

I have roughly 43 days to finish getting that room ready and at the rate I've been going, it will take every single one of those days. . .

31 weeks down, about 6 to go.

30 Weeks

I've now surpassed the 30 week mark!

My weight is creeping up faster than I'd expected at this point, but the reality is that even as big as I am, I don't feel as big as I look and my jeans still fit great. I've been this weight before with my other full-term pregnancies, but I remember feeling like a big fat pregnant lady who couldn't get off the couch without help.

That's not the case this time around at all. I still have a ton of mobility and can do things like put on my shoes and socks without a ton of effort. Driving is easier than I'd expected, too. Early last month I was having trouble turning my torso, but some exercises have really helped out.

I met with Dr. H again today and with the nurse practitioner at my OB's office earlier this week. Dash is still measuring well. She's not as big as I thought she'd be, but Dr. H says she may just be poised for another growth spurt.

Today her estimated weight is 3lb 10oz, putting her in the 58th percentile.

When I go back in two weeks from now, they'll run the first biophysical profile, which is a combination of tests that include fetal heart monitoring, ultrasound, muscle strength testing, fetal movement, etc. If anything looks suspicious, I'll either go in again in a few days OR get sent to the hospital for delivery. These will be done at each appointment from here on out.

The only other notable change is that the doctor now is pretty sure I can make it to 38 weeks and wants me to plan on that, rather than the 37 weeks we'd been working off for the last few months. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that, but I also know that this baby could decide to come on her own before then anyway!

So now we wait, plan, and I keep sticking to my diet, even if I really miss potatoes!

My Birth Plan

For those uninitiated in taking control of their birthing options, many first time moms and experienced moms create a birth plan, or a list of their preferences for their birthing experience.

The birth plan can contain information on pain management, infant care, words or phrases for the nursing staff to avoid using, and other things that the mother feels is important.

Although I have never made a formal birth plan, I have always discussed my plans with my husband and my mother so that both were aware of my preferences.

This time around, my medical and mental condition is very different than with my last live birth and I am making a formal birth plan to take with me to the hospital when it comes time to deliver Dash. I don't want something to be forgotten, since my mom is no longer there to pipe up with my opinion if I flustered along the way and because I hope to do things differently than with my other live births. My husband and I have talked about these and he understands my reasons for the changes, but I don't want something to be forgotten, so I'm writing them down.

Each item on my plan is dependent on Dash's intended live birth, as a stillbirth would change several of these.

I am attempting to do a natural childbirth, or as close to one as I can manage, knowing that my labor will likely need to be induced with pitocin. Once labor begins, there's a good chance that the pitocin can be turned off if my past experience is any indicator, since I've had that happen in the past.

The reasons for the natural birth are based on two things: a strong desire to see if my body can do something right and because I'm hoping to stay on lovenox until delivery and with twice daily dosing, it may well be 12-24 hours after labor begins until I'd even be allowed an epidural. As an anticoagulant, lovenox can cause very serious problems with an epidural, so a full 24 hours after the last dose must pass before an anesthesiologist will administer the medication.

My first and second labors were roughly 13 hours and 10 hours respectively,  My third labor, the stillbirth of our son, was started entirely from scratch and took under 8 hours, so I want to be prepared, because I may not have a choice on the epidural even if I change my mind!


Birth Plan

• My son was stillborn in March. This birth is emotional for me. Be HONEST.
• Do not offer pain meds
• Do not check my cervix unless I request it.
• Wireless monitoring, with intent to use the tub and allow me to walk/move
• Hold baby immediately after birth, allowing her to nurse if she wants
• Delayed cord clamping, prefer to wait until placenta delivers
• NO antibiotic eye ointment
• Vitamin K and heel prick: YES
• Vaccines: NO
• Cloth diapers ONLY
• Placenta will be encapsulated

Many women write out long, detailed versions in paragraph form, but I prefer something short because I think it'll be easier to follow this way. I imagine that nurses just don't want to read 3 pages of birth plans for every patient they see each day and even if they did, remembering everything wouldn't be easy. This list has 11 items on it and can easily fit on one page in large print for every person that walks into my delivery room to see.

There are additional items that women delivering in other hospitals would need to consider.  Such things would include specifics on the use of pacifiers, the use of formula, when to bathe the baby, and preferences for rooming in or time in the newborn nursery.

The hospital I'm delivering at already has those policies in place, and they are all policies that are in line with my preferences, so I feel it isn't necessary for me to include them in my birth plan. Why add to the list if it's already policy, right?

A few of the items on the list are absolutely non-negotiable, such as the vaccines, eye goop, and cloth diapers. In the event that something goes badly, I know I will have to adjust my plan. For example, if my daughter's heart beat suddenly goes crashing and doesn't come back up, I know I'm in for an emergency c-section that will require general anesthesia if I haven't had an epidural. This would also mean I don't get to hold Dash right after birth, the cord clamping would likely not be delayed by very much, and nursing would be forced to wait a little, too.  I can roll with the punches if needed, but I hope this birth is as smooth as each of my others has been.

Now, if I could just get this little girl to keep her head down, I'd feel a whole lot better about this plan!