To Test or Not to Test

Today I am 12dpo.  My blood draw for my beta is Friday morning, less than 48 hours away.

In all the years we've been ttc, I have always tested on or before 12dpo.  Always.

This cycle has been different.  I did test to see how much of my trigger was left for days after triggering and the answer was, "not much" based on how faint the hcg test strip was.

A few days later, when I would normally have been agonizing over when to test, I began to realize that I didn't want to know.

At all.

This is the first week of school and my oldest started second grade yesterday.  Last year on the first day of school I was 8 weeks pregnant.  The year before, on her first day of kindergarten, I found out I was pregnant at 16dpo.

Both of those pregnancies ended in miscarriage, which is why I preferred not to know if I was pregnant yesterday or not.  Had the test come out a bfn, I would have spent half the day crying and the other half just hoping it was too early for a bfp.  On the other hand, had the test been positive I would have been wracked with fear that I would eventually be three-for-three on first-day-of-school-pregnancy-losses.

Neither option sounded at all appetizing, so I chose to abstain from testing.  Once I made that decision, I realized how much of a burden had been lifted. At this point I am either pregnant or I'm not and knowing won't change that.  By not knowing, I can sit here in ignorance and with some actual hope that the blood draw will show some serious hcg running through my veins.

I had FOUR mature follicles this cycle.  Yes, FOUR.  If none of them fertilized, then it's going to be crushing.  I'm having some problems with some unfortunate symptom spotting and knowing that I *could* test is a little bothersome, but not enough to go poas.

Would I welcome twins with a bfp?  Absolutely.  If anyone can handle a multiple birth, it's me.  I'm not trying to brag, but I run a daycare and taking care of multiple children comes easily for me.  It's something I really enjoy.

But first I have to get pregnant and that's the hard part.  After that I have to stay pregnant and that's almost as hard.  I have a 67% pregnancy loss rate.  That's rather high.

Friday afternoon I will get the news.  With it will come either shrieks of joys or tears of frustration as yet another cycle passes me by.

Only time will tell.