The Waiting Game

The last 5 days have been difficult for me and my husband.  Although we have no medical update, I wanted to take a moment to say

THANK YOU

to all of you, near and far, who have fasted and prayed on our behalf.  This is the first time I've felt such an outpouring of love from so many people and it's left such a warm and comforting feeling in my heart.

A few of you have asked how I'm doing.  The best answer I can give is that I feel like the prayers of others are keeping me from collapsing into depression and imagining the "worst case" scenario over and over.  I am able to manage most of the day-to-day tasks required of me and haven't cried in fear since Saturday.

The feeling I have is that everything is going to be okay.  I just don't know what "okay" means or how we'll get there.

Will it be a normal, full-term delivery of a small but healthy baby?

Will it be an early delivery?

Will it be a super-early delivery?

Will there be bed rest?

An extended hospital stay?

I don't know the answers to any of these.  What I do know is that our son has a name--one that we are holding close to our heart and prefer not to share.  If the "worst case" happens, I need him to have a name and even as we continue our slow preparations for his arrival, calling him something other than "the baby" is helping to keep me positive.

We have cleared out most of the basement so that my sewing stuff can go there.  For the last year I've used the spare bedroom as a sewing room but we know he needs a room of his own and we're continuing to plan on that, focusing on the positive.

There is one thing I can't do for another month or two: Set up the crib.

I don't think I could bear it at all if I had to take the crib down without my son having slept in it.  I have a dear friend who had to do this and my heart breaks just thinking about it.

My maternal-fetal medicine doc ordered a bunch of labs and those were done Monday.  My ob/gyn also has the records of the ultrasound and is aware of the changes in our son's growth and his echogenic bowel.  I would assume that I'll get a call if something specific shows up in the blood work or urinalysis that requires quick treatment.  My next appointments with my MFM and my ob/gyn are scheduled for April 4th.

My father and his wife are flying in for a 5 day visit today.  Making preparations for their arrival has helped to keep me busy and has been instrumental in keeping me functioning . . . there simply hasn't been a lot of time to wallow in self-pity. Instead, we've been going through bin after bin of memories, sorting into keepsakes, yard sale, donate, and garbage.

Infertility and child loss sucks, but I'll be the first to admit it's helped me appreciate the memories I DO have so much more than I would have otherwise.

On an unrelated note: I coughed during tutoring Monday night.  The baby gave me two quick punches (kicks??) and then a third just a moment later.  I don't think he liked it when I coughed!  This was by far the most distinct movement I've felt in over 2 months and it was very reactive.  This wasn't just him wiggling around; this was in response to unexpected stimulus and it put a huge grin on my face for the first time since Friday.

Maybe, just maybe, he'll be totally healthy by the time he's born?