Thursday morning I woke, having not felt her kick most of the night and decided to eat Lucky Charms to get her moving.
It didn't work.
I could still hear her heartbeat on my doppler, but there was a new howling sound that I hadn't heard before and it was nowhere near the placenta, which can sometimes make a variety of noises based on what I've read. Hearing the heartbeat was only mildly reassuring because the heartbeat is the last thing to go when a problem arises. It can confirm that the baby is alive, but nothing more than that.
In panicked tears I called and spoke to my nurse at Dr. H's office and she said they wanted me to come in as quickly as possible for an NST.
This type of crippling anxiety isn't one I experience often, but this wasn't the first time it's happened.
It took a few minutes to get my 4 year old ready to go out the door and set up arrangements for the two daycare children I was to watch that day: one in the morning and one in the afternoon. On the way there I realized I didn't have my EZPass, which allows me to quickly drive through the toll booths for the toll roads that are essentially required to get there.
I turned around, hoping to find my EZPass on the stairs but it was nowhere to be found. This wasn't helping my panic at all!
I eventually made it to Rockville, where my friend, R, who referred me to the practice in the first place met me. I was so grateful for her offer to come and help me with my daughter and having someone there to talk to, even about more mundane things, made the waiting easier.
Because I'm only 20 weeks, the NST wasn't working well and a solid and steady heart rate couldn't be monitored. I sat in that room in a reclining and comfy chair for roughly 45 minutes, talking to R and finally feeling Dash "wake up".
The doctor decided to squeeze me in for an ultrasound, given not only my panicked state but also the cord compression issue I'd experienced less than a week before. Once in the ultrasound room, my daughter had a chance for a few minutes to watch her sister on the monitor and measurements began. Her interest didn't last long, but since then she keeps asking how big Dash is compared to various objects she holds in her hands (a bunch of grapes, a doll, a hairbrush, her shoe, etc).
Because the anatomy scan two weeks prior hadn't been finished, the tech took the time to get the remained of the images they needed to make off the file as completed. In addition, she checked the flow of blood in the umbilical cord.
Everything measured perfectly.
Dash looked so big in the scan. She's definitely bigger than Jackson ever was but every bit as stubborn as he tended to be when it came to being in the right position for the images.
My 4 year old was like that, too!
When Dr. H came in to review everything, we talked about my anxiety and she recommended I get a supplement from Whole Foods called CALM. It's a magnesium supplement that she wants me to take right before bed. I bought a version that also contains calcium, knowing that I have low calcium intake and that Lovenox has a tendency to deplete calcium stores. When asked when my next appointment was, I responded, "A week from tomorrow."
"Perfect. Keep it. You'll feel better if you come in and that's what we need right now."
Thank You, Thank You!!
After getting my van back and eventually making it to Whole Foods, the chiropractor, dinner, and having my visiting teachers come over, it was bedtime. So I mixed that Raspberry-Lemonade flavored CALM into some water and drank it. It's not very tasty, but it's better than other supplements I've had to take!
I slugged my way upstairs, brushed my teeth, rolled onto my side with my extra pillow between my knees and went to sleep around 9:45PM with Dash wiggling around.
And I didn't move.
At 3:37AM, I woke up to go to the bathroom and realized just how deep my sleep had been. I felt wonderful! I returned to bed and slept soundly until 5:45, when I woke and realized I was well rested and could get in the shower before my alarm went off.
Although it could have been sheer exhaustion, I'm fairly certain it was a combination of the CALM, the ultrasound, and Dr. H saying, "Failure is not an option" that helped me out.
I am now two gestational days away from where Jackson passed away. I will hit that angleversary on the same day that we lost our little girl two years ago, September 28th. If Dash is extra active, it will make the day less painful, but if she sticks true to character, she'll pick Sunday as her day of rest and it will be a not-so-calm one for me emotionally.
In the meantime, I can sit here in my rocking chair and feel her wiggling around and kicking not far from my bellybutton and thank my Father in Heaven for a doctor who understands my fears and for the life that continues to grow within me.
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