21 Weeks

The last handful of days have been busy and mildly entertaining.  Sunday was the day I'd been dreading for almost 6 months, but as I woke up, Dash was twisting and stretching and kept that up through frequent intervals all day.

It really helped me out.

In Relief Society, the lesson was on hope, and I had a hard time separating eternal hope, which is what most of the lesson focused on, from temporary hope, which is something I have a very difficult time with since I find hope to be so painful.

A question was asked regarding someone having their blessings or hope delayed and at that point, I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

I explained a little of my background, with the hope my pregnancy with Jackson had given us and that feeling that everything was going to be okay and how even with that surety, we lost him. I then brought up my current pregnancy, and how new medical problems were still making things very unsure and there's no promise that the Hope we were given in November of 2013 will be fulfilled with Dash's birth. 

It is hope in an eternal sense that keeps me going. I sometimes wonder how individuals who have experienced great tragedy manage to move forward from day to day, but it's not something I can really fathom because of my knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. That knowledge frames my emotions from the very core of their existence and it can't be undone.

Sunday night ended and just half an hour later, my 8 year old was up with a tummy ache that led to a very miserable 5 hours of vomiting for her and both of us trying to get rest without succeeding. It's hard to sleep when the waves of sickness come on every 10-20 minutes.  When she mentioned she'd had lunch meat before bed, I truly hoped it was just the meat, which was expired, and not something contagious.

It is now over 48 hours since she got sick and nobody else has had any problems, so it must have been the meat. It will be a long time before she's willing to have a ham sandwich again!

Monday also marked the 6 month anniversary of Jackson's birth. Sometimes it feels like a lifetime, but in other moments I can't believe a full 6 months have passed. And now I'm 21 weeks along, further than I made it with our son.

Dash is significantly longer than Jackson ever was. I can feel her kicking around my bellybutton now, although most of the movement I feel is still down at her head, where she likes to keep her hands.  I can feel her hiccups now, too. They only last a minute or two, but the rhythmic bump is hard to miss.

With my oldest, hiccups were the first indicator I had that what I was feeling really was the baby and not just gas bubbles. By the time my second daughter came around, I had it figured out much sooner and even her father felt her kicking before 15 weeks.

As Dash gets bigger and stronger, I feel her more frequently. This movement is something I cherish, even when some of them are uncomfortable. I don't know if this is my last pregnancy or not, so every movement shines light on my heart while I thank my Heavenly Father to have been given another chance.

On Friday, I will see Dr. H again. I'll have an ultrasound to check Dash's growth and her fluid levels and then we'll set up another appointment. I'm getting close to the point where my appointments will be scheduled every 2 weeks, but I'm not sure if that will happen after this appointment or the next.

On a side note, a woman in my Lovenox support group was talking about her preemie son who is now a year old. She mentioned that her son had a "NICU girlfriend" who was born at 23 weeks and is now also a year old and is showing normal growth and development.  It's stories like these that give me hope that if Dash has to come super early, she may still be okay.

My friend lost her daughter who was born at 23 weeks, and a family in my father's ward recently lost their son who had been born at 24w6d, so it is never a sure thing. But the fact that medical technology has made enough advancement to save a baby that is born almost 17 weeks before their due date is simply amazing to me.  And comforting.

According to a chart you can find here, attributed to the March of Dimes, a baby born at 23 weeks has a 17% chance of survival. By 26 weeks, the survival rate jumps to 80%. However, of those babies that survive, only 20% have no long-term problems resulting from their premature birth.

Dash needs every day she can get to keep growing and since we got my anti-Xa levels back in range, she's been growing well.  We'll know for sure on Friday if that growth is still on the right curve.

So here is a photo of my growth.

The most notable "bump" difference is my belly button, which is doing it's weird wider-and-flatter thing it likes to do around this point in pregnancy. I've never ended up with an outie, but it sure does do some weird things, including starting to itch.

But hey, I'll talk all of it if it means Dash is growing and healthy!