Honoring Our Past

I typed this yesterday, but didn't get it posted:

Three hundred sixty five days ago, my husband and I had the worst 36 hours of our lives. In that time, our son passed away, we received medical confirmation of his death, we told his sisters, and then we went to the hospital so that I could give birth to him.

It was an experience many families have had and for each of us, it is a painful reminder that pregnancy and birth are truly amazing.

If I had known that day what the following year had in store for me, I would have wanted to believe it so very badly but I would have been incredibly skeptical.

But here I am. A mother with 3 living daughters. My dear little Dash has brought peace to my heart and I can't imagine my life without her.

She was always meant to be a part of our family. I know this with every fiber of my being.

Even knowing that, I couldn't let Jackson's birthday pass without taking some time to remember him. And so it was that with 6 children in tow, I walked across the street to Giant (our local grocery store) and purchased 4 balloons with the intent of releasing them in the park and watching them drift into the sky. I wasn't sure what colors I wanted at first. . .

Blue & black?

Blue & white?

Pink & blue?

Pink & black? 

Looking at my daughters I chose 3 pink balloons and one blue, one for each of the children I'd given birth to.

The weather decided not to cooperate today. Winds are gusting over 30mph with steady winds around 12mph.

Have you ever tried to push a triple stroller with an infant in a carrier on your chest, while holding 4 balloons in gusting wind?

It isn't easy!

 . . . But it was so much easier than losing our child.

My absolutely amazing mother-in-law drove to the park to take pictures. I probably have the best mother-in-law anyone could ask for. My husband definitely got his awesomeness from his parents.

She is also the only family member who held our son after his birth. Jackson was her grandson and she has acknowledged his presence in her life in many small ways. . .and today she came to take pictures.

As with many things in my life, even this couldn't go smoothly.  We were about to let the balloons go when I realized they'd blow right into a nearby tree, so we moved back so the wind would blow them up and over the tennis courts instead.

Right as we let go, the wind switched directions and the balloons tangled in the tree! It's not the kind of tree that can be climbed, so unfortunately, those ribbons will be stuck there for quite some time.

Over the next hour, as the children ate some lunch and played at the park, each balloon popped as it was blown into the budding branches. Jackson's blue balloon was the first to go, followed by each of the pink ones.

The entire event felt little too much like my life's allegory.

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The reason for the delay in the post was that another thing went wonky with my day. I couldn't get either the desktop or laptop computers to recognize my 9 year old SLR or its memory card. I have a lot of pictures of our balloon release, but currently no way to upload them.

Isn't that just fitting?

I went to the mailbox this afternoon and was surprised to see cards from two friends, one local and one who lives 3,000 miles away. Each has a very heartfelt message inside that put me in tears.

Thank you, to both of you, for your amazing thoughtfulness. And to each of you who shared your candles for my son once again, I thank you, too.