Yesterday in the late afternoon, I started spotting. It wasn't horrible, but it was more than just "on the toilet paper" spotting and it was a cross between pink and reddish pink. This means the blood was fresh but diluted, in a sense. I had about an hour before all the daycare children went home so I put dinner in the oven (I'd made it the night before) and sat in the rocking chair with my bottle of water.
I've lost 71% of my pregnancies, with the earliest being 5 weeks and the latest was Jackson. It's been a tough road, so you can imagine that this little bit of spotting had me imagining very easily that I was losing this one, too.
Once the children were gone, I went upstairs with my phone and placed another progesterone pill, several hours earlier than I normally would have, and stayed there for the rest of the evening and all night. I turned my phone and the lights off around 10 and by then the spotting had stopped.
It hasn't started back up again. Phew!
I don't know if it could have been the 2 mile walk with the fully loaded triple stroller or the change in Rx on the progesterone (different generic brand) or if it was my "normal" period hormones trying to kick in. Either way I was quite panicked and did everything I could to just relax and remind myself that there's nothing else I can do to stop another loss from happening. Except maybe avoid two mile walks with 110lbs of kid-filled stroller. Those are officially off the agenda until further notice.
As I drove to my appointment this morning, I wished I had a crystal ball that could give me a couple of versions of what my future could look like 6 months from now, based solely on the decisions I might make. That could never happen, of course, but my agency alone doesn't determine what could happen; everyone else around me makes decisions that impact me as well.
But sometimes it would be nice.
My appointment with my OB went well this morning. We discussed the billing issue and the fact that if I stay with their practice, I'll be required to see the doctor who was involved in my post-partum clean-up. I have to see all three doctors, actually, at one point or another. My suggestion was that for that first appointment, I meet with her with either my OB or my favorite nurse practitioner present. She said she'd love to sit in with me, to keep me calm and to take over if a panic attack starts.
I also requested that my hCG beta and progesterone levels be tested again as well. She agreed. I won't have the results until Monday, but it'll help me to know the numbers are where they ought to be.
My first ultrasound has also been scheduled. It's a little over 2 weeks away. I hope that between now and then, there is no more spotting and that everything progresses smoothly. I can't keep my fears of losing another pregnancy at bay, but my mantra for now is this:
My past does not determine my future.
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