I have dreaded attending church on Mother's Day ever since my first one as a wife. We were about to celebrate our first anniversary and had just moved in with DH's parents for the summer so he could do an internship in Washington, D.C. I knew very few people in the ward, which seemed to be filled with people less than a decade older than we were with large homes and children everywhere.
I was only 23 and I felt my biological clock ticking painfully. We'd stopped preventing pregnancy 3 months before and still hadn't gotten pregnant.
Each Mother's Day since has become increasingly difficult, with the exception of the year I was pregnant with my first daughter. I remember standing up at the end of Sacrament meeting to receive my ridiculous carnation and thinking, "Finally! I feel like I actually belong!"
For several years now it has become the tradition to include ALL women age 18 and over in the Mother's Day gifts. I suppose the reason is so that everyone can feel included regardless of their circumstances, but in reality all it did was leave me feeling like I fraud or "that woman over there who needed to be pitied because she'd been married for 4 years and still didn't have kids."
That first "Finally!" moment was also my last. In the years since, my eyes have been opened to a whole world of pain outside my own. I want to hide all the commercials, quotes, and speeches about the joys and pitfalls of motherhood from my friends who are hurting, whether due to the loss of their mother or infertility, or child loss.
Nobody likes having their pain "celebrated".
My own mother "humored" us on Mother's Day and I don't remember ever giving her a gift. She had lost her mother when she was 27 and I'm sure the day was painful for her, too.
I want to stay home. Nobody will miss me, really, and I think anyone who realizes I'm not there will understand why.
Unfortunately, my first rainbow baby and her older sister will be singing with the other children at some point during Sacrament meeting. I don't know if it will be earlier in the meeting or later, but I don't feel like I can deprive my child of her first chance to get up on the stand and sing something she has been practicing for so long. . .no matter how badly it hurts me to sit there.
Mother's Day isn't about me anymore. It's about my children and them having a day to celebrate having a mother in their life. I'm going to do my absolute best to cheer them on silently from my pew, to smile at the cards they've made, and to thank my Father in Heaven over and over again for their presence in my life. They are both miracles as month after month, year after year, of infertility and pregnancy loss testifies.
My husband has purchased gifts for me but I'm not entirely sure why. Our money is tight and the gifts are just a reminder of what we've lost and you can't "buy away" that kind of pain. But I also know that I'll do the same for him on Father's Day. It's what we do, even if it doesn't make much sense.
I have a little over 48 hours left to prepare myself for the emotional onslaught. I have been preparing for several weeks but I don't think I'll ever be that person that just loves Mother's Day. It's just not my style and has been a painful holiday for far too long.
So please, be gentle with me. With your friends. With your family. I am not alone in my fight, in my feelings, in my pain. Many of us have lost a piece of our heart.
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A old friend of mine posted a link to her Mother's Day post from last year. It's beautiful and put me in tears because I know how she feels/felt because I've been there. She is FAR more eloquent than I am.
I want to share the link for you to read because it is so much better than anything I could ever write.
http://blog.hoosejohnson.com/2013/05/happy-mothers-day.html
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