TGIM/TGIF

Thank Goodness it's May and Thank Goodness it's Friday.

The month of April was horrid and it ended on a "bang".  Not quite the same bang it began on, thankfully, but waking up April 1st, not pregnant, made this closing week of April worse.

April 11th was my daughter's due date.  She would likely have arrived the same weekend my father remarried in 2013 and her first birthday would have been the same weekend I lost Jackson. So rather than celebrating my daughter's birthday, I was in the hospital giving birth to my stillborn son. Pain upon Pain.

I thought of her that day and I thought of her and her brother all month, too.  But this week, as a new niece entered the world and twin nephews celebrated their first birthdays, it was particularly difficult.  Those nephews were "discovered" to be twins the day I realized my daughter had passed away.  It was a gut-punch.

I feel like my entire week has been full of triggers that couldn't be avoided.  My only "chuckle" of the week was that the new niece shares the name of her mother's childhood dog.

This week was also the first week I received flowers that felt like a pity-gift.  It was from the mothers of those babies and their sister, who is also expecting.  It wasn't addressed to me, but to both of us.  I am grateful that they thought of us, but receiving flowers from the same florist that had delivered three of the other sets we'd received within days of Jackson's birth was another stark reminder that they get to birth LIVE babies and I get DEAD ones.

I know at least one of those sister's reads some of my posts and I understand it's likely that she will read this, too. I understand it isn't any of their faults that this has happened. Understanding doesn't remove the triggers, it doesn't remove the pain, and it doesn't fix the past; I still hurt.

My husband has been invited to the baby blessing of our niece.  If they lived an hour or so away I wouldn't have any problems with him going if he wanted to, and taking the girls with him, but the honest truth is that I'm not ready to be left alone while he travels out of state. I'm not ready for him to sit through the joy of someone else's baby while I sit at home, alone, attempting to put on a brave face for our two girls when all I'll want to do is hide all weekend and scream at God and the doctors, and life in general for robbing me of my chance to provide my husband with the son we've talked about for 14 years. DH is much better at compartmentalizing his emotions than I am or I'm sure he wouldn't be interested in going, either.

On top of all that, if my cycles resume their same length as they have been for the better part of the last 6 years, I will be ovulating around that weekend and his presence is *very* necessary.  We were told we could ttc again after my first completed cycle if I could confirm ovulation.  I'm now 7dpo, confirmed both through OPK and a clear temp shift.  This puts my next O around May 24-26 so I need him here those days and the couple of days leading up to that, just incase my body decides to do it's thing a little early.

Could I go with him? No, not even a chance. It's so far beyond what I could handle as to be beyond ridiculous to even consider the notion. I think there is ONE family on this earth whose baby blessing I could attend right now and they live in Kansas.  I'd give life and limb to see my friend carry a pregnancy to term with a live birth and a healthy baby. She understands the pain of later losses as well as difficult pregnancy and infertility. She understands what it's like to have a husband who isn't always sure where he stands on having more children.  And she understands *me*.  There's a reason we were able to resume a friendship after almost 12 years of life-induced separation. We understand each other.

None of the rest of my family understands any of what we've been through. I wonder if any of them have ever felt their baby move and wondered what it would be like to wake up and realize their baby was dead. Again.  Or if they've looked at their child and wondered what their life would be like if that child had been lost before birth. Or if they hold each of their children closer with EVERY hug because they realize just how blessed they are?

No, they couldn't possibly do that.

Why? A basic belief from Christianity is that Adam and Eve couldn't know joy without experiencing pain. I believe any Loss Mom with surviving children would agree.  You can't truly know and appreciate what you have until you've experienced losing it. You hold your living children longer after you've lost one or when there has been a fight for that life.  My fight for my children began before conception, other fights may be with serious illnesses after birth, pregnancy loss, severe injury, etc.

You can *think* you know what it's like, but you don't.  You can't.

It's May now. By the end of the month I will have completed 4 doctor's appointments, a medical procedure in the outpatient surgical center, a river rafting and ropes trips, and our 12th anniversary.  It's going to be busy.