Proverbs 3:5-7

Yesterday in church the Sunday School topic for our class was Proverbs.  We spent time talking about some specific proverbs based on topics.

The final topic led us to Proverbs 3:5-7 which states,

5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

7 Be not wise in thine own eyes; fear the Lord and depart from evil.

I couldn't help but think back to the past year and all that I've felt and experienced. My regular readers know I've been through a few trials. Some moments have been incredibly difficult and some have been very rewarding, but one thing remains: They are my moments.

I share them with others because I am very poor at communicating verbally and I want my silent readers to know they aren't alone.

So when this proverb came up at the end of class, I sat quietly by and let my thoughts turn to my experiences.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart

In most Christian faiths, or at least all that I'm familiar with, the phrase 'Trust in the Lord' is a common one. But it is easier said than done.

A year ago, I was a complete wreck. I pretty much wanted to say, "Screw you!" to the entire world and a couple of people specifically. I was frustrated with the medical community around me, frustrated that I couldn't get pregnant, and even more frustrated that every time I did get pregnant I lost the baby for reasons unknown. I was mad at my Father in Heaven and absolutely did not trust him to get me through the trial at hand.

I humbled myself, or in this case perhaps I was forced to be humble, and I began to trust the Lord again. My desire to have children was a righteous desire and if he couldn't grant me children, then He could at least make the desire less painful to bear.

My formal education led me to a degree in mathematics--I'm no dummy. I'm not the best at critical thinking, but I enjoy researching and often play "follow the links" when I'm reading up on health concerns. Where I see graphs and charts, I can't help but analyze them.

So I began to research and decided to try a few changes that the medical world said was unnecessary, but some well researched studies within the holistic community supported. And got pregnant.

and lean not unto thine own understanding

I trusted the Lord to get me through the pregnancy so I could hold my baby, safe and sound and crying, by the end of the summer. And I felt that everything would be okay right from the start.

So finding out that everything was NOT okay so far along was a big shock! It was hard once again to not "lean unto [my] own understanding". I had done everything right. I had that personal revelation, confirmation, that all would be well . . . so how could it have gone wrong?

One thing to remember is that I believe strongly in personal agency. Each and every one of us has the right to choose what we do and how we handle situations. It is the greatest gift, given to us by Christ, but it also means we can exercise that agency to harm others with ill intent or even in ignorance.

In the case of my doctors, they refused to run the tests I requested because they "knew better". They chose, and my son died as a result.

In all thy ways acknowledge him

I did the only thing I could at that point: I acknowledged God in all things.  I acknowledged the right of the doctors to refuse the tests. I acknowledged that I have been granted many blessings. And I acknowledged that if I could be given the strength to endure the emotional pain as before, that it could be done again.

And my need to acknowledge the Lord was one of the main reasons I started, and completed, the #100HappyDays posts on facebook. It forced me to find things to be grateful for!!

And he shall direct thy paths

I felt quite keenly that my experience could and would be used to help others. By recognizing the hand of God in my life, I could feel him directing me and guiding me to people who needed help. Words I typed would sometimes flow without me even thinking about them. Some of those words were here on my blog, but the majority were in private messages to others who sought me out. And the thoughts were not mine.

And then others stepped in and helped guide me to new doctors who had a better understanding of my health, more medical understanding of what made me unique, and friends who I could turn to when having a rough day.  My path the last 5 months has absolutely guided by the Lord and I am very grateful for that.

Be not wise in thine own eyes

I can't profess to know everything, but I know that I can trust personal revelation and recognize that the wisdom I've been given has come through the path I've travelled and from the lessons I've learned. Is that being wise in my own eyes? No! Because I will be the first to admit that I don't know all that much! I know more than I did, but that is all I can claim.

Fear the Lord and depart from Evil

In many scriptures, the phrase "Fear the Lord" doesn't mean to be afraid of him, but to obey him. Fear, in its normal context, is a tool of the devil, as fear and trust are near-opposites. 

So obeying the Lord is what I am trying to do. I'm failing miserably, but I'm trying. And I know that my Heavenly Father knows that. . . And because I don't want all the negative emotions that come from Satan trying to tell me I'm not good enough, that I'll never nurse another baby, and that I need to be mad at God for letting our son die.

I don't need that.  I need Trust, and so I'm trying, one day at a time, to trust what I'm learning, what I'm feeling, and trusting in the personal revelation given to me so many months ago.