Today was Jackson's due date. I know I would have had him already, but it is still one of those dates that I am never going to forget.
A mother never forgets the due date for her angels. It just doesn't happen.
It isn't a far stretch for me to think that the spirit of the baby girl I lost almost two years ago is making another attempt to be a part of our family. . . That perhaps my "Bethany" has another chance, although that wouldn't be her name.
She has been quiet today. Moving, but not with the strength of the last couple of days. It feels more like "Mom, I'm tired. I'm still here, but I'm tired."
The movements yesterday were strong enough I could see parts of my belly moving just a bit. It was hard not to holler for my husband to come and and feel her. He is still so scared about doing so and I don't want to push him into doing something he isn't ready to do. I would have had my oldest come feel again, but she was in bed and since she has trouble sleeping, I didn't want to interrupt her.
I have officially hit the second trimester. 14 weeks. Our little girl can't replace our son--I'll always want him and miss him.
But I'd be a fool if I didn't confess that I'm looking forward to raising another little girl to be a defender of all things, big and little. One who will be super excited when Grammy buys her a tutu skirt and wear it while watching Captain America and building Lego castles.
Another little girl who will always know that she can set the example in her home of how women and men should treat each other, cherish one another, and not stick to stereotypical gender roles.
I'd use the word Feminist, but lets face it, that word has negative connotations.
A Humanist. One who understand her Divine Nature and not only how much and how hard her father and I worked to bring her into our family, but how much love she can also share with the world around her.
Sorry for the diatribe, it's not actually what I set out to write today. I love my girls. All of them.
And maybe someday the gaping hole left by our son's death will heal and leave a scar worth sharing, but one that doesn't hurt.
It's hard to smile on a day like today.
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