Backwards and Forwards

The last week and a half has brought on all the emotions I expected.  Wednesday was the day we had pinpointed as the likely day of Jackson's birth.  It was the birthday of my mother-in-law, which in and of itself isn't a big deal. However, both of my daughters share birthdays with family members.  One shares her special day with a cousin of mine and the other shares with my grandmother.

It would have been more than fitting for Jackson to have been born on the same day as his grandmother's special day.

In addition, I was only going to be allowed to go to about 37 weeks and would have been 37w+1d, perfectly timed.

Instead, I avoided facebook as much possible and stayed as busy around the house as possible.

In the last couple of weeks, several of the women who had been pregnant around the same time as me all had their babies.

After the birth of the second baby, a good friend wrote this:

My heart is breaking. Months ago there was a cohort of four of us loss mamas who were pregnant together. Just a few weeks gestational difference between us all. Probably a month at most. Two gave birth recently. Their babies are beautiful and amazing. I feel no jealousy, just sadness for the two of us who lost our children. Great sadness. One boy and one girl born, one boy and one girl lost. Life is so precious. As I watch this boy and girl grow I will forever think of the boy and girl watching over them, their guardian angels. Jackson and Josie, the guardian angels.

It is in moments like these when I cannot help but look back at what should have been, what could have been, but what will never be.

And here I sit, mourning the loss of our son while new life kicks and squirms within me. On March 31st, I could NEVER have imagined that I would be entering the second trimester of pregnancy as Jackson's due date approached.

And yet, here I am.

I am so very afraid to look forward. It will only be a few weeks before I need to start informing my clients of what my plans will be if I get put on bed rest, have an emergency delivery, etc.

But somehow, I can't do any of that yet. I can hope, pray, and put my trust in God and my doctors, but I can't plan.

Not this time.