How Are You Doing?

"Honesty is the best policy."

"Every lie is two lies — the lie we tell others and the lie we tell ourselves to justify it."

"With lies you may get ahead in the world - but you can never go back."

"Candor gives wings to strength."

My desire to be honest has, at times, caused me some serious problems and ruined a few relationships along the way.

The situation I find myself in now isn't helping this any.  I've always disliked the question, "How are you doing?"  It seems the only socially acceptable answer to that question, regardless of circumstances, is "I'm okay".

You know what?  I'm NOT okay.  But I shouldn't have to be, either.  

Today was my first day back in church since Jackson's stillbirth.  I had told my husband this morning that I wanted to go, but that I wished I was invisible so I wouldn't see the pitying glances in my direction.

Alas, I am not a superhero or a wizard with an invisibility cloak.  Word of our loss had spread quite far, but had not reached everyone.  Some found out when they saw me and my clearly not-pregnant-self while others heard when my husband stood at the pulpit and bore his testimony about gratitude and trials and retold just a little of what we'd been through.

I don't know HOW to answer the question. If I was a liar or a social conformist I'd say I was okay but I am neither.  So instead I sometimes dodge the question with a flip: That's a loaded question.

So How am I doing? I'm sad. I'm functioning at about 50% capacity when it comes to getting things done around my home. The meals that have been brought in have been a tremendous help because I just don't have the emotional strength to cook for my children or the money to order in/carry-out every night. I've cooked two meals in the last two weeks and it's all I've really been able to manage.

I'm showering daily, which is probably a big achievement in and of itself. I have almost no clothes that fit, so at least I can be clean if I have to walk around in ill-fitting clothes and feeling like a slob.

I can't bear to go into my sewing room right now.  Not only is it a complete disaster from 5 months of pregnancy-induced "too tired to clean it up" but it was going to be Jackson's room and I don't have the emotional strength to put the room in order by myself and I'm too embarrassed by the mess and my likely reaction to being in there to let anyone else help me out.

I've met with a chiropractor and will be seeing him 3 times a week for the next 6 weeks and probably regularly thereafter for the foreseeable future.  I've found out that my neck is lacking the curve it should have (I have NO curve and there should be a healthy one!) and my lower back has a lovely zigzag as well as being a little twisted like a screw. I want my body to be as healthy as I can and one of the ways I can do that is to provide my spinal chord with as much room to function as possible.  The kinks need to come out.

I have been referred to an MFM with a personal history of 2nd trimester pregnancy loss.  Tomorrow I will call her office and see if she and I can meet and go over my medical history and come up with a better plan than what my previous MFM practice had in place.

Deep in my heart I believe we are not done and that there is a solution.  We can have more children, but we need to find a doctor who can get to the heart of the problem and who will do everything in her power to help us, and humor me along the way if I ask for additional testing.

So how am I doing?  I'm sad . . . and determined to keep going, to get answers, and to always be grateful for the two daughters who hug me each day.  I know I have a divine purpose and part of that purpose is related to raising those daughters but I also know that that is only a small portion of what my Heavenly Father has in store for me.

How and I doing?  

I'm okay.