This afternoon, during a moment of stress within our home, The Call came in.
Jackson's remains are ready for pick-up.
My immediate reaction was "No no no no. This isn't happening!" Of course, it's already happened and I knew the call would be coming, but I still wasn't prepared for it.
It felt like my world came crashing down all over again. The Call put DH in a rough mood as well, so I know I'm not alone.
I seem to be living in some sort of limbo. There are times when it feels like Jackson never existed and life feels "normal" but there are other moments when reality washes over me like a tsunami, destroying everything in its wake.
In all honesty, I don't know how long this tidal wave of emotions will last. Weeks? Months? Years?
Will there ever be a time when I can look at something that was purchased for Jackson without choking up? Or look at the sympathy cards or pictures of my pregnancy without wondering why this happened?
Soooo many questions that don't have answers.
My son's ashes are ready, but am I?
I really don't think so.
I am so terribly sorry for your pain, Talia. I can't imagine how you've made it through this day. My love and prayers are continually with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jasmine. Yesterday was incredibly difficult and neither my husband nor I managed to pull ourselves together for the remainder of the evening. Today was better for me, but I spent my day doing a fundraiser for Girls' Camp and the active nature of the fundraiser kept my mind occupied on the task at hand.
ReplyDeleteIn answer to the questions, 'Yes and No'. As you know, there is no time limit on grieving. The fresh, raw feelings will be at the surface. Then once they're not, you feel guilty for not feeling so gutted. But there is a definable cycle; time does heal all wounds and for these wounds, you're feeling all the "right" ones. Cry, yell & mourn on Tal. In the words of some twisted, morbid humor, you've earned it.
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