Paying it Forward

As I lay in the hospital waiting for Jackson's birth and several times since, I've told my husband and others that I want my experience to mean something.

I want to help others who are going through what I've been through so that Jackson's death wouldn't be in vain.

It never occurred to me that my first experience helping a grieving mother would happen only two weeks after I lost my own son.

I am a member in three different ttc groups and had been a member of the "graduated" group for moms and expecting members from two of the sister-groups.  In November, 4 of us got our much anticipated bfps and as amazing as it sounded at the time, none of us experienced an early loss.  All 4 of us have had losses before, so this seemed like a rather remarkable feat.

But then I lost Jackson and the outpouring of love and support was incredible.  That same day another mother from the 4 of us entered the hospital with severe stomach pains.  Complications from an emergency surgery led to the delivery of her daughter at 23weeks +2days. She lived for under 24 hours and passed away in her mother's arms.

To say I was devastated for this mother's loss would be an understatement.  I cried and cried. We had shared our bfps with the other women on the same day--November 30th. We'd been through months of building a friendship, however distant, and our pregnancies created a bond.

How could this happen to someone else? And why did it have to be THAT family?  They've already been through so much, with 2 other losses and multiple rounds of IVF.  This little rainbow baby was supposed to be their take-home baby, not another angel!

Within hours of finding out about the passing of this darling little girl, I was contacted by a woman in another group.  Her brother and his wife had found out their baby girl was to be born in a few hours at just 20 weeks.  There was no hope that she could survive and this loving sister wanted to know if it was okay to ask me questions about what to do/say to help her brother and sister-in-law in any way she could.

My experience is still so fresh that Jackson's cremation is still not complete.  What could I do or say to either family?

For both families I recommended they call (or have a family member call) Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. It's an non-profit organization that sends photographers to take beautiful photos of infants who have passed away or are in the final moments of life. A very good friend contacted them for me and I am so very grateful she did that.  I would never have been able to make that phone call on my own and I will cherish those pictures for decades to come.  Both of these families will now have that same opportunity.  Some families may not want to view the pictures, or will do so only on rare occasions, but the photos are there for the families to keep as a record of the hell they have been through.

My other recommendation to the sister was to help arrange meals for her brother's family.  Cooking after this kind of ordeal is no easy task, but our bodies need to be fed and meals are a wonderful way of helping out when nothing else can be done.

In the space of a single day, two women lost their daughters and I was the one answering their questions.  I can't take away the pain of loss, not even my own loss, but I will continue to share my experience and do whatever I can to help.  It's the only way I can think of to pay it forward and make my experience have meaning.

What else can I do??